Facing My Own Insecurities

There is something that has been eating away at me for over a year.

I have to admit that I allowed someone to cause permanent damage to my life. Myself.

I allowed the BPD in my life.

I allowed her to stay in my life after repeated red flags and outrageous behavior.

I allowed the stress and anxiety of the situation and other bad situations in my life to control me. To perpetuate bad habits and destructive behaviors.

I allowed her to string me along. Lie to me. Ultimately betray and cast me aside like a piece of garbage. I allowed all of it to happen. My own insecurities crippled my ability to have boundaries. To respect myself. To love myself. Ever since childhood I have this skewed sense of myself. It has crippled me my entire life.

I have to break the cycle of feeling worthless and hopeless. It's so hard when you've been dragged through the gutter by someone who wallows in it. We enter these relationships with the best of intentions. We want to help. We want to love. We want them to feel loved. We want to make it all better for them. It's a trap though. Once you're ensnared it's so damn difficult to break free.

I have to forgive myself for loving her. I didn't know what BPD was. I didn't understand mental illness. I didn't do anything wrong. I cared. I'm only human. I didn't make her treat me terribly. I didn't make her cheat. I didn't make her betray our love and friendship in such terrible ways. She just IS. That's who she is. That's what she does. She can't help herself.

It's my fault it happened because I didn't say "No"

I didn't walk away earlier before things became too personal and meaningful. I allowed her to walk in and stay. To cause the damage. I could have stopped it at any time by simply saying "No", and walking away. I can play monday morning QB all my life, but there comes a point where we have to accept the decisions that we make and learn from those mistakes. To grow and mature as human beings. Life is about not about what happened. It's about what you are doing and what you are going to do. Living in the past is not a way to live my life. It's just coming to grips with my decisions, accepting what is as reality, and moving forward. It's so damn hard when you're a co-dependent that has been betrayed so badly.