The one thing I have trouble with is letting go. We all do.
How can we walk away from those we love so much? How can we turn our back on them? They are sick, in need of serious therapy and help, and if only they would listen to us and get help, all would be wonderful right?
Wrong.
Most borderlines are in complete denial that they have a problem. Even though Mai is an alcoholic. Even though she can't stop taking drugs. Even though she is on one continual path of self destruction. Even though she hurts and betrays every person that loves her and cares about her, it's never her fault. She doesn't think she has a problem. Everyone else has a problem. Not her.
It's really sad, but no matter how much we wish we could, we cannot change or alter their skewed perception of reality. Only years of intensive DBT therapy, medication, ect. can make a dent. And that can only help if the BPD is completely committed to treatment. Otherwise, it's a lost cause. Factor in their defense mechanisms of splitting, devaluing, disassociation, ect. and you can see that BPDs have a major hill to climb if they ever want to get better.
I struggle everyday to remain No Contact. No contact is about my own mental health. I have to protect myself from ME. From my tendencies to rescue. To try and help.
I look back on the last 2 years of my life. From watching my father die while I tried to take care of him as he suffered from cancer, to my own spiral into darkness and bad habits, to the ultimate betrayal two months later, a week after my birthday, of the BPD.
No reason was given. No explanation. No apology, No acknowledgment of her betrayal. Just lies, deception, manipulation, ect. Standard BPD operating procedure in a relationship. A path of destruction.
It was a perfect recipe for disaster. Re-living my childhood through the BPD relationship. Coming to grips with my childhood with my abusive BPD father at the same time. A one-two punch in the soul.
The hardest part of letting go is understanding that the relationship was never real. It was never about me, my good qualities, ect. It was only about Mai's need to be loved. It's a bottomless pit of need that can never be sated. It's so unfortunate. I wish I could help, but I'm not God and I certainly don't want to be a parent to someone I'm in a relationship with. It's so maddening when you peel back the layers of the BPD relationship dynamic. See the childhood behavior for it is. That of a child in an adult woman's body. See the child psyche. The way the child interacts and puts on the fake mask in public, but it's all such a silly sham when you see through the mask.
You want to help but you're not God.
I can only take it one day at a time.
Let go of a fantasy that was never real. A perceived love that was never real because my partner can't love like an adult.
My recovery from a relationship with someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder and the process of disengagement.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
What Borderlines Are Capable Of
Codependency is our kryptonite.
I grew up in an extreme household. My father had two ways of expressing himself. The cold shoulder and extreme rage. Not just losing your temper, but absolute "rage". Uncontrollable anger that causes extreme anxiety and fear. I firmly believe now that my dad was BPD. We learn from an early age how to react to BPD behaviors. We're programmed to behave in a way that diffuses the situation. To remove the conflict by sacrificing ourselves, our values, our dignity. We become slaves to the rage.
I remember as early as the age of four, having empty beer bottles thrown at my head as my mother and I held each other in fear on the bed. My father was drunk, which was the norm, not living in reality at that moment. Lost in childhood pain and lashing out. He was primal, child rage.
I remember being awake late at night when he would come home drunk. I remember the deep feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach as I dared to look out a crack in my door. I would see my mother begging for leniency as my father beat her relentlessly. Vivid memories of my mother getting shoved against the wall pleading, begging, terrified.
I remember the lifetime of emotional abuse. I remember my family having to walk on eggshells to cater to my father's every whim. We couldn't be too loud or we would disturb him while he watched TV. We couldn't get any food from the kitchen or we would make a mess, regardless if we were starving.
I remember being quite familiar with the sting from a belt. I would get beaten for trivial things. I would get beaten for getting sick and throwing up on my bed. The most vivid memory of this was when I was fifteen. I was playing around with my brother outside at dusk. I got into a serious accident and shattered my lower teeth, severed my gum line. It was a serious injury that required I go to the hospital immediately. I was losing a lot of blood. I was in shock and pain. My father was on the couch watching TV as usual. I snuck into the bathroom to check my injuries, too afraid to tell my father, thinking maybe I could cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. My brother, afraid too, walked into the house and said "Shawn hurt himself" and promptly ran away to his friend's house. What happened next I will never forget.
My mom walks in the bathroom and loses it, screaming. She can see how terribly I'm injured. My father walks in and beats the living hell out of me. Not just a slap or two. I was punched, kicked, stomped, shoved violently into the bathtub. Then I was taken to the hospital where I had my mouth sown back together. I remember the constant feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach......
Growing up with a Borderline Parent trains us for when we become involved in a relationship with one. It takes years of programming. The first step to leaving a relationship with a Borderline is self examination. Understanding why you put up with so much abuse for so little for so long. Why you would jump over mountains for that little scrap of affection that was so prevalent in the beginning to hook you in. What made you codependent? That is the question ...
I grew up in an extreme household. My father had two ways of expressing himself. The cold shoulder and extreme rage. Not just losing your temper, but absolute "rage". Uncontrollable anger that causes extreme anxiety and fear. I firmly believe now that my dad was BPD. We learn from an early age how to react to BPD behaviors. We're programmed to behave in a way that diffuses the situation. To remove the conflict by sacrificing ourselves, our values, our dignity. We become slaves to the rage.
I remember as early as the age of four, having empty beer bottles thrown at my head as my mother and I held each other in fear on the bed. My father was drunk, which was the norm, not living in reality at that moment. Lost in childhood pain and lashing out. He was primal, child rage.
I remember being awake late at night when he would come home drunk. I remember the deep feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach as I dared to look out a crack in my door. I would see my mother begging for leniency as my father beat her relentlessly. Vivid memories of my mother getting shoved against the wall pleading, begging, terrified.
I remember the lifetime of emotional abuse. I remember my family having to walk on eggshells to cater to my father's every whim. We couldn't be too loud or we would disturb him while he watched TV. We couldn't get any food from the kitchen or we would make a mess, regardless if we were starving.
I remember being quite familiar with the sting from a belt. I would get beaten for trivial things. I would get beaten for getting sick and throwing up on my bed. The most vivid memory of this was when I was fifteen. I was playing around with my brother outside at dusk. I got into a serious accident and shattered my lower teeth, severed my gum line. It was a serious injury that required I go to the hospital immediately. I was losing a lot of blood. I was in shock and pain. My father was on the couch watching TV as usual. I snuck into the bathroom to check my injuries, too afraid to tell my father, thinking maybe I could cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. My brother, afraid too, walked into the house and said "Shawn hurt himself" and promptly ran away to his friend's house. What happened next I will never forget.
My mom walks in the bathroom and loses it, screaming. She can see how terribly I'm injured. My father walks in and beats the living hell out of me. Not just a slap or two. I was punched, kicked, stomped, shoved violently into the bathtub. Then I was taken to the hospital where I had my mouth sown back together. I remember the constant feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach......
Growing up with a Borderline Parent trains us for when we become involved in a relationship with one. It takes years of programming. The first step to leaving a relationship with a Borderline is self examination. Understanding why you put up with so much abuse for so little for so long. Why you would jump over mountains for that little scrap of affection that was so prevalent in the beginning to hook you in. What made you codependent? That is the question ...
Monday, September 28, 2009
BPD Rules
1. The BPD's thoughts and feelings are MORE important than YOURS.
2. Your thoughts and feelings are a burden to the BPD, if focusing on your feelings takes the focus off THEIR FEELINGS, or if your thoughts/feelings are critical of the way the BPD has been behaving/treating you.
3. In the relationship, the BPD makes the rules, doesn't have to obey the rules, and can change them at ANYTIME.
3a. IF the BPD does change the rules, you should already know what the new rule is and why they decided to change it.
4. You must be perfect at all times (i.e. be god), and if you are not, then you are the devil.
5. Their thought, feelings, and emotions can change on a dime.
6. If criticize your BPD, they will fight tooth and nail to defend their actions.
6a. If they admit that they were wrong, then in their minds they are horrible people (do to their black and white thinking). In order to avoid feeling horrible, they will make excuses and twist reality around to make to justify their behavior.
6b. They rarely, if ever apologize for wrong doing.
6c. If they do apologize, its not because they mean it, but because they want/need something from you and they realize that they need to apologize to smooth things over, so they can get want they want/need out of you.
7. If you do not do what your BPD wants, they will use emotional blackmail, manipulation, name calling, etc. to get what they want.
7a. They will sometimes threaten to end the relationship, if you don't give into them. This is their trump card.
8. If the BPD ends the relationship then they still expect you to be there for them, and do whatever they want from you.
8a. If they have lost all romantic feelings for you, you still have to be there for them, no matter what.
9.If they do something to hurt you, then it is your fault, because you must have do something WRONG to "make them" rage/hurt you back.
10. You are responsible for their feelings. If they don't feel good, then you must do something to make them feel better.
10a. If you can't make them feel better, then you are not a good enough partner and/or you are selfish.
11. When they criticize you, they are projecting their faults/flaws onto you.
11a. When they do project, it's because they want to make it look like your flaws are worse than theirs, so they can feel better by comparison.
12. You and the BPD are not equal partners in the relationship. They are the dictator
12a. You are the parent replacement, and are suppose to be there for them, no matter what (as a parent would do to their child).
13. They have the emotional psyche a child, while having the physical and intellectual capacity of an adult.
Courtesy of GodofNietzche at BPDFamily
2. Your thoughts and feelings are a burden to the BPD, if focusing on your feelings takes the focus off THEIR FEELINGS, or if your thoughts/feelings are critical of the way the BPD has been behaving/treating you.
3. In the relationship, the BPD makes the rules, doesn't have to obey the rules, and can change them at ANYTIME.
3a. IF the BPD does change the rules, you should already know what the new rule is and why they decided to change it.
4. You must be perfect at all times (i.e. be god), and if you are not, then you are the devil.
5. Their thought, feelings, and emotions can change on a dime.
6. If criticize your BPD, they will fight tooth and nail to defend their actions.
6a. If they admit that they were wrong, then in their minds they are horrible people (do to their black and white thinking). In order to avoid feeling horrible, they will make excuses and twist reality around to make to justify their behavior.
6b. They rarely, if ever apologize for wrong doing.
6c. If they do apologize, its not because they mean it, but because they want/need something from you and they realize that they need to apologize to smooth things over, so they can get want they want/need out of you.
7. If you do not do what your BPD wants, they will use emotional blackmail, manipulation, name calling, etc. to get what they want.
7a. They will sometimes threaten to end the relationship, if you don't give into them. This is their trump card.
8. If the BPD ends the relationship then they still expect you to be there for them, and do whatever they want from you.
8a. If they have lost all romantic feelings for you, you still have to be there for them, no matter what.
9.If they do something to hurt you, then it is your fault, because you must have do something WRONG to "make them" rage/hurt you back.
10. You are responsible for their feelings. If they don't feel good, then you must do something to make them feel better.
10a. If you can't make them feel better, then you are not a good enough partner and/or you are selfish.
11. When they criticize you, they are projecting their faults/flaws onto you.
11a. When they do project, it's because they want to make it look like your flaws are worse than theirs, so they can feel better by comparison.
12. You and the BPD are not equal partners in the relationship. They are the dictator
12a. You are the parent replacement, and are suppose to be there for them, no matter what (as a parent would do to their child).
13. They have the emotional psyche a child, while having the physical and intellectual capacity of an adult.
Courtesy of GodofNietzche at BPDFamily
Interview with Randi Kreger on PJTV
Excellent interview with Randi Kreger and Dr. Helen can be found HERE
It's a very excellent discussion for loved ones of Borderline Personality Disorder. Randi Kreger has written two excellent books on the subject for us nons
The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Dr. Helen's excellent blog can be found here as well.
It's a very excellent discussion for loved ones of Borderline Personality Disorder. Randi Kreger has written two excellent books on the subject for us nons
The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Dr. Helen's excellent blog can be found here as well.
Resources For Us Nons
The following websites are a good start if you're just learning about Borderline Personality Disorder. You probably have many questions like, "How the hell did I get involved in this relationship? How the hell did this happen to me?"
1. BPDFamily- The best place to go to cope with the hell on Earth that you've most likely lived through. A lot of good, compassionate people here. I am a member there myself.
2. Gettinbetter - This website has some amazing articles. Read every single one.
3. Shrink4Men - Another excellent website. READ every single article.
4. The Psycho Ex-Wife - If you ever considered marrying your BPDSO this website will give you a cold splash of reality. Marrying a BPD does NOT make them better. It only makes the situation worse and your life way more complicated than it already is.
5. Bill Eddy's Website. Very good information here, especially his handbook on splitting.
More to come ...
1. BPDFamily- The best place to go to cope with the hell on Earth that you've most likely lived through. A lot of good, compassionate people here. I am a member there myself.
2. Gettinbetter - This website has some amazing articles. Read every single one.
3. Shrink4Men - Another excellent website. READ every single article.
4. The Psycho Ex-Wife - If you ever considered marrying your BPDSO this website will give you a cold splash of reality. Marrying a BPD does NOT make them better. It only makes the situation worse and your life way more complicated than it already is.
5. Bill Eddy's Website. Very good information here, especially his handbook on splitting.
More to come ...
The Reality of a BPD Relationship
How do you tell your loved ones and friends what you went through?
How do you make them understand?
What do you tell them about Borderline Personality Disorder? Do you even tell them?
People that have never been involved with someone that has the illness can never know to be honest. You can only know if you've been involved with someone that has BPD. The process of brainwashing, manipulation, emotional and even physical abuse over an extended period of time has traumatic effects on your psyche. A trauma bond is formed.
You become addicted to the person with BPD. You become a slave to Intermittent Reinforcement, desperately clutching to any amount of normalcy and affection that you can. Over time, that affection becomes less and less, and the rage and blaming become the norm. Then without warning you are split, painted black, devalued, rejected, abandoned, betrayed. The BPD will show no remorse. No guilt. No empathy. It doesn't matter how much you loved them. It doesn't matter how much you did for them on any level. You are the perceived enemy for whatever paranoid delusion is happening in their mind and you need to be punished. In the end, you're a shell of a human being. You feel like your soul has been sucked out. You've lost yourself.
This does not happen over night.
I empathize completely with people that suffer from BPD, but there is nothing really being done for the people that suffer from being involved with them in close relationships. Either family members, or a personal relationship. Even a friendship. It's a very serious issue that many people are silently suffering from. Especially if you're a man. Men don't report abuse. Men take it in stride and deal with it. We're taught from a young age to respect women and never be aggressive towards them in any way.
But what if the man is being abused?
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:
1. Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
3. Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
4. Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
5. Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.
6. Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.
7. Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
8. Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
9. Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.
My ex who we'll call "Mai" exhibited every single one of these criteria over an extended period of time. I plan on recounting as much of it as I can over a period of time so I can confront it, accept it, and put it behind me. You will never get closure from someone that has BPD. Not ever. They will string you along as long as they can to keep you engaged. Even after they've betrayed your trust in the most horrific ways, they can "hoover" you back in at any time and pretend like nothing bad ever happened. They will never face any wrong they committed in the past or apologize for it. Not ever.
How do you make them understand?
What do you tell them about Borderline Personality Disorder? Do you even tell them?
People that have never been involved with someone that has the illness can never know to be honest. You can only know if you've been involved with someone that has BPD. The process of brainwashing, manipulation, emotional and even physical abuse over an extended period of time has traumatic effects on your psyche. A trauma bond is formed.
You become addicted to the person with BPD. You become a slave to Intermittent Reinforcement, desperately clutching to any amount of normalcy and affection that you can. Over time, that affection becomes less and less, and the rage and blaming become the norm. Then without warning you are split, painted black, devalued, rejected, abandoned, betrayed. The BPD will show no remorse. No guilt. No empathy. It doesn't matter how much you loved them. It doesn't matter how much you did for them on any level. You are the perceived enemy for whatever paranoid delusion is happening in their mind and you need to be punished. In the end, you're a shell of a human being. You feel like your soul has been sucked out. You've lost yourself.
This does not happen over night.
I empathize completely with people that suffer from BPD, but there is nothing really being done for the people that suffer from being involved with them in close relationships. Either family members, or a personal relationship. Even a friendship. It's a very serious issue that many people are silently suffering from. Especially if you're a man. Men don't report abuse. Men take it in stride and deal with it. We're taught from a young age to respect women and never be aggressive towards them in any way.
But what if the man is being abused?
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:
1. Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.
3. Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.
4. Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.
5. Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.
6. Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.
7. Have long-term feelings of emptiness.
8. Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.
9. Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.
My ex who we'll call "Mai" exhibited every single one of these criteria over an extended period of time. I plan on recounting as much of it as I can over a period of time so I can confront it, accept it, and put it behind me. You will never get closure from someone that has BPD. Not ever. They will string you along as long as they can to keep you engaged. Even after they've betrayed your trust in the most horrific ways, they can "hoover" you back in at any time and pretend like nothing bad ever happened. They will never face any wrong they committed in the past or apologize for it. Not ever.