Taking it One Day at a Time

The one thing I have trouble with is letting go. We all do.

How can we walk away from those we love so much? How can we turn our back on them? They are sick, in need of serious therapy and help, and if only they would listen to us and get help, all would be wonderful right?

Wrong.

Most borderlines are in complete denial that they have a problem. Even though Mai is an alcoholic. Even though she can't stop taking drugs. Even though she is on one continual path of self destruction. Even though she hurts and betrays every person that loves her and cares about her, it's never her fault. She doesn't think she has a problem. Everyone else has a problem. Not her.

It's really sad, but no matter how much we wish we could, we cannot change or alter their skewed perception of reality. Only years of intensive DBT therapy, medication, ect. can make a dent. And that can only help if the BPD is completely committed to treatment. Otherwise, it's a lost cause. Factor in their defense mechanisms of splitting, devaluing, disassociation, ect. and you can see that BPDs have a major hill to climb if they ever want to get better.

I struggle everyday to remain No Contact. No contact is about my own mental health. I have to protect myself from ME. From my tendencies to rescue. To try and help.

I look back on the last 2 years of my life. From watching my father die while I tried to take care of him as he suffered from cancer, to my own spiral into darkness and bad habits, to the ultimate betrayal two months later, a week after my birthday, of the BPD.

No reason was given. No explanation. No apology, No acknowledgment of her betrayal. Just lies, deception, manipulation, ect. Standard BPD operating procedure in a relationship. A path of destruction.

It was a perfect recipe for disaster. Re-living my childhood through the BPD relationship. Coming to grips with my childhood with my abusive BPD father at the same time. A one-two punch in the soul.

The hardest part of letting go is understanding that the relationship was never real. It was never about me, my good qualities, ect. It was only about Mai's need to be loved. It's a bottomless pit of need that can never be sated. It's so unfortunate. I wish I could help, but I'm not God and I certainly don't want to be a parent to someone I'm in a relationship with. It's so maddening when you peel back the layers of the BPD relationship dynamic. See the childhood behavior for it is. That of a child in an adult woman's body. See the child psyche. The way the child interacts and puts on the fake mask in public, but it's all such a silly sham when you see through the mask.

You want to help but you're not God.

I can only take it one day at a time.

Let go of a fantasy that was never real. A perceived love that was never real because my partner can't love like an adult.