BPD411
It has a LOT of great resources.
An introduction from their website:
Emotional Detachment
Why it’s Important Nons are all the time doing really stupid (or desperate) things in an effort to meet the emotional needs of their BPSOs. In some cases the intention is to ’give him what he wants’ to ’make the crazyness stop’.
These can range from simply not standing up for oneself, allowing a small boundary violation to occur, to emotionally, and
most often financially devastatingly stupid. One fellow we know signed his entire house over to his BPSO on the way out. His intention was to ’get out’ NOW. It didn’t work.
Another Non tried settling a divorce out of court by offering a $250,000 "signing bonus" during mediation. That didn’t work. Signing over kids doesn’t work. There is too much emptyness at the core of the BP’s personality for anything to work. Any thing that seems to work is usually of short duration and extracts a high price from others.
So how does a Non survive? The only way is through achieving a zen-like state called "emotional detachment." This means ’stepping out of the box’ that is the BP/Non BP dynamic. This means understanding that it’s NOT about you, the Non. This means understanding that you are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.
Emotional detachment means learning to see that what the other person (the BP) is doing in terms of the disorder. It’s all about them, not you. Learning that what they are accusing you of, is most often just what they are thinking, or actually doing. When this happens the BP in your life is Projecting his thoughts, fears, actions and even behaviors onto you. What he says about you is often a tool to understanding what he is thinking about, planning or may attempt to do.
Getting into a place of emotional detachment means that you have to STOP spending time, energy and oft times money, attempting to ’prove’ to them that you are NOT being controlling, emotionally abusive, unfaithful, etc. etc.
Emotional detachment is absolutely required to do well in court and in life in general with a BPSO. You need to get out of the "emotional quagmire" and be able to see things rationally. Setting boundaries for yourself is one way of looking at this.
That is, if you set a boundary with yourself that you will not be angered by BP behaviors, then you’ve maintained a boundary internally. This is a good thing.
Now, emotionally detaching, while important, is very difficult. This person who has the disorder is important to you. You care about them.
the oddity of having the name of this post be "No Contact" - but with a place at the bottom that says to post a comment (don't contact but do comment) is irony...scary irony given the extreme forms of the BPD dynamic, where contracivtion can frice you nuts.
ReplyDeleteThe worst in my opinion is those people who have no apparent personality of their own. Just reflections; the mirroring of whoever they think is niftiest....their most perfect rescuer person. After 5 seconds they “know you” (mirror mirror in the face) – and you are the one for them (a stranger they insist is their soul mate) and if only they had known you years ago then their whole life would be perfect (shudder) – until they hate you because you are evil incarnate
Their entire "personality" is just a reflection of whoever is there at the moment...and they seem to ALWAYS have gone to the same schools as that person…had the same favorite teachers…
They say you are so wonderful. They worship you. You made it all better. You are their everything. Life ws so terribel before you were there. UNTIL - until the very moment that real life is there, when you stub your toe and swear, or you finally get fed up with the 50th time they spent the rent money on drugs…or when some small slight is perceived.
It was probably imagined –projected from their own issues…a part of from some other person who is not there anymore & has not been for 20 years (that is not your name) and they lose it. They yell at you, swear, rant & cry - you just don’t care about them anymore and then they have a tantrum in an adult body with adult strength. Things are broken and you are frightened in your home.
They "switch" from loving you and from mirroring you – to either “projection” from inside of them - (of all they have done, might want to do, who knows)...or worse – “swithing” over to "black and white thinking" with vilification of you (the one they claim is so good to them), because they were certain you were PERFECT (white) NOW you are not perfect anymore (black) you are evil.
Items get thrown, you get nail marks in your arms, until hours late they stop – and then they want you back. They are sorry. They try and suck you back in (hoover hoover).