Lack of Substance

Thinking about the experience with my ex recently I was trying to wrap my head around what was missing. There is just something fundamentally missing from someone with BPD. They are play actors. They mimic what they think a meaningful relationship is. What they think love is. It's very hard to wrap my around, but they really do not know. It's foreign to them. A completely alien state of being.

My ex does nothing and has nothing meaningful in her life. Absolutely nothing.

No close friends

No real long term relationships. Her husband who was murdered abandoned her and his family for drugs. They were constantly fighting and on the outs the entire time they were together. He tricked her into getting pregnant.

She manipulates and betrays anyone of substance that cares about her in life. Not only that, she'll minimize the relationship afterwords to excuse her actions and make them seem less severe. Even though the person who just got betrayed feels like an icepick has just been stabbed through their heart. Literally.

She is completely unable to tell the truth. About anything. She is always the victim. Anyone who calls her out on her games is the abuser. Not her. Even though I've seen her full blown abusive rages and have been on the receiving end of her physical abuse, it is never her fault. Ever. You cannot have any type of rational conversation with her about anything. The conversation has to be about her and the drama surrounding her small insignificant world. Whether it be about other strippers she's jealous of at work and she wants to badmouth them, or the "mean" manager who wouldn't let her work because she was late.

Current events? Nope

Philosophy? Ha. Unless you want to listen to her drone on about reincarnation and Egyptians or something.

Politics? She doesn't know anything about them or even vote.

I won't even touch religion.

Her "job" is taking off her clothes and sitting on some stranger's lap topless for money. Somehow she's heroic for doing this because she's taking care of her son alone. Nevermind that's by her choice and any decent man that comes along who would be an excellent father figure is completely betrayed and destroyed by this emotional predator.

Lack of substance is the only way to describe it. She lacks character. Depth. Especially emotional depth. She lacks humanity. She has no real tangible identity. On the surface it can seem this way because of her appearance, but that's all skin deep. Just like everything else about her. It's skin deep.

It was my own issues that allowed someone like this to get so close to me emotionally in my life. I was starving so bad for affection I took any table scrap I could find. It was my own childish needs that were never met by a parent at a very young age. Never having a real father. Just someone who yelled at me or barked orders. Someone I wanted to never be home because his mere presence caused high anxiety. You were waiting for the pin to drop. You left a piece of food accidentely on the counter. You spilled water. You shut a door too loud. The TV was on too loud in your room. You argued with your brother as kids do. You got an expensive gift for your birthday and had to listen to your mother get screamed at for hours while you attempted to enjoy it and not feel terribly guilty for getting a present on your birthday.

You get the picture.