This is an interesting story with many excellent examples I came across
For people with this disorder, small problems explode into catastrophes, friends become enemies, love turns to hate – often with breath-taking speed. Relationships crumble, jobs rarely last. And their families are along for the ride.
The small problems exploding into catastrophes hits home with me. One thing that people need to understand about the disorder is that Borderlines will constantly test your boundaries. From day one you're boundaries are being poked and prodded and tested to see how strong you are. If you show any weakness with a borderline you are lost.
At the same time, if you are firm with your boundaries, be prepared to lose the relationship/friendship forever if you hold firm. An example is when my ex told me would call me on a specific day. She made a specific promise. As usual that day came and went without a phone call, so when we spoke next, I asked her about it. A person in a normal healthy state usually isn't going to blow someone off without good reason, and if they do, they usually apologize and attempt to rectify the situation. That is NOT how it works with a Borderline.
They will create an excuse, usually imagined, that is designed to create guilt and pity for even questioning their behavior. For instance they were "too busy" and "things are going bad right now. It was too hectic". All designed to make you wilt in enforcing your boundary. My ex is a MASTER at this tactic. If you even question a little why they were too busy to dial a phone number for two days as promised you will be attacked viciously and personally, depending at what stage the Boderline Rollercoaster relationship has currently evolved into.
umm, actually it could be, as it is with me very frequently, that the bpd truly "doesn't feel like calling you" on that specific day. I realize how ridiculous this sounds, in terms of character of a person (virtues, self-discipline, etc), but most bpds have not acquired the ability to do what they don't feel like doing AT THE MOMENT. Think of them as toddlers, not as equals re: character unless they (we) can prove otherwise. Don't expect more until they "suck it up" and grow up. Some of us never will.
ReplyDeleteOne more after thought from a bpd to enlighten (not belittle your experiences): we bpds have incredible challenges with moment to moment moods and feelings that flip like a light switch sometimes. Without medication to assist me with this problem, I could never have had a hope of getting a handle on my behaviour and "excuses". My excuses and "smoke screens" were not made to drive the nons crazy; they were made to create some kind of rationale to myself since I didn't have the self-discipline to behave like a grown up is expected to. BPD (unlike narcisist and psychopath) behaviour has less to do with manipulation, and more to do with inner pain management that results in unacceptable behaviour. We are very self-absorbed with our ever-changing perceptions of our world (black to white/ love to hate) that we have little mind space left to deal with the nons well-being. This is perceived by nons to be "manipulation". I truly believe that this is less frequently the case. Nons can better understand us with the toddler analogy. We are just not your equal in moral character development and we are out of necessity very self-absorbed.
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