More Contact Will Only Lead To More Abuse

So after the recent setback of having limited contact with psycho ex, I had to contact Verizon and have her blocked from my phone. I blocked her from MySpace. Blocked any possible way she can contact me. Yes, she can call me from a different number, but I doubt she will (Thankfully) and if I do see a number I'm not familiar with, I'll just screen all calls and VMs.

As a co-dependent, it seems like I keep learning the same harsh lesson over and over. My own subconscious responses keep me from learning from my mistakes. I have to be easy on myself. I'm just replaying the same abusive patterns I learned as a child. A very young child who had an abusive BPD father. I realize now I've lived my life shell shocked. Shell shocked from my childhood, which I now realize was abnormal, extremely violent and abusive.

After more than 2 years of dealing with pain, confusion, heartache, and over romanticizing an abusive bpd/npd, I have to fight my emotional rescuing impulses. She's ill. Seriously and severely mentally ill. Emotionally stunted. She needs therapy and treatment, but that is none of my concern and none of my business. I can inform her that she hurt me and the reasons why (suspected npd/bpd), but that's about it. It's her life and it's up to her to find the answers and the help she needs. I need to worry about my own life. Not hers.

I used to dream that she'd magically snap out of it. I didn't understand or grasp BPD. I didn't know about co-morbidity (Narcissism/Antisocial PD). I didn't know about splitting, projection, projective identification, devaluing, disassociation, ect. The Dance of Death. I didn't grasp the true nature of co-dependency and my own role. I had the power the entire time to end the situation. I had the power the entire time to say "No. This situation is unacceptable." Walk away.

I didn't do that though. I thought I was doing the noble thing. Being understanding, compassionate. Those ARE noble traits, but not at the sacrifice of myself, or my self respect. I confused stupidity with compassion. It cost me two good years of my life. An ocean of feelings, love, heartache, sense of loss and betrayal. My dignity. My self esteem. My sense of worth. It made me question my very existence. I was very near insanity from trying to make sense of the situation. I've had BPD "fleas" for more than a year now. It gets better with time, but that's what I need. Time to heal. Time to grow. I thank God I have such a wonderful, genuine, kind, and understanding mother. Mom, I love you more than you'll ever know.

The hardest part is letting go of the pain. The emotional bombs hurled my way. The absolutely terrible things she hurled my way. I've contemplated so many moments of hurt feelings, lies, and betrayal. She needed to dehumanize me. To minimize me as a person. To minimize our relationship to justify the betrayal and the lies. It's a defense mechanism she's been using her entire life. Learned I'm sure from a life of abuse. It's ok for me to care about her, but it's not ok for me to try and rescue her, or have any contact with her. She's too mentally disordered and dangerous in her current condition. Only years of therapy and treatment can help her control the impulses, but they never go away.

Right now she's firmly in denial. It doesn't matter how many relationships crumble because of her behavior, she will never admit she has a problem. It's unfortunate, but not my problem anymore. If only I had stayed away two years ago when the first red flags hit........

Live and Learn I suppose. Time will tell.