This I Promise

I took this from the BPDFamily message boards. It rings true for me in many ways. I am still very much mired in the traumatic situation that happened to me. Examining myself. The choices I made. The lifestyle I was living.

A relationship like this truly changes your life. You are never the same again after an experience like this. You view life differently than you used to. Life is not a game. It's about choices. It's what you make of it. Youth is something that does not last very long. No matter what you do, life continues. BPDs treat relationships like a game. They play with people's feelings. The relationship is completely at their every whim and desire. It's a purely selfish, childlike endeavor. It's just their reality. They can't comprehend the importance of it. Love isn't anything to them but a word.

My ex told me love was "whatever you wanted it to be". Think about that. Imagine living like that. Imagine how empty and hollow you must feel inside to think that way. She just doesn't have a clue. When you're all alone in the world, love is all you've got. People that care about you. Who want to help you. Protect you. Those are gifts in life. My ex just threw it all away and for what? For drugs and to spread her legs for some other guy. It really is sad and pathetic that she thinks so little of herself to do that. No matter what happens, life goes on. We can't stop it. We can only try to control our own happiness as best as we can through the choices that we make.

THIS I PROMISE

Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers, but you will drive yourself crazy if you try).

Accept that you will never understand whyor how s/he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.

Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser, not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate, but you can control how, or whether you react or respond toward him/her.

Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him/her, use you brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things s/he cannot give you - Love, Honesty, Respect, Kindness. S/he does not have them to give.

Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for caompanionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.

Remember, that if you try to get anything at all from him, her, you are given them immense power, because then s/he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhhold it. Don't give him/her that power in the first place. Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what you are negotiating to try to receive?

Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave than it is to settle for long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.

In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that altho the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.

Always know this. They need us more than we need them. We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.

Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.

Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.

Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!

Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If the peson you are dating wants to establish an intimate,long-term relatioship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.

Learn to love and respect yourself. give yourself all of the kindness and love s/he never did.

Soon you will see him/her for what they truly are. And you will learn about yourself as well.