The "Why" Matters

A good question and my response to a thread at BPDFamily

The "Why" matters

The problem is you think you're going to get it from the BPD. That will never happen. They are seriously mentally ill.

The "Why" is that they are afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. In my ex's case, also NPD/APD.

If you try to get a "why" you will be gaslighted. They will use projective identification to dance around it. They will blame you. They will never blame themselves or take responsibility. Keep in mind, they have the emotional maturity of a child. They use emotional reasoning to deal with any situation, and that includes ripping your heart out and stomping on it. Then pouring gasoline on it and lighting it on fire. It's the brutal reality of the disease. They do not have the emotional maturity to handle adult intimate situations, or to truly understand the implications of their actions. They just are not wired that way.

You have to find and accept the answers on your own. I still struggle with this, but it's a process. I really wish I had gone into therapy, but I couldn't afford it. Got laid off, ect. I wouldn't had spent a year with these troubled thoughts and these haunted memories. I wouldn't have walked around like a zombie, dull and lifeless to the world. The betrayal triggered some intense feelings from my childhood. Extremely traumatic issues that I still struggle. The person responsible for those childhood issues dying at exactly the same time I was being betrayed by the BPD didn't help either. It was a tsunami of torment.

After my last interaction with her, I realize she's just "not there". She's scared. Alone. A child pretending to be an adult. Oh I'm sure she has a few guys on the side, (she always does) but it doesn't mean anything. It will never last. If it does, it won't be a grounded adult love with mutual trust and respect. It will be a roller coaster ride where the non is chasing an ever shifting goal post of expectations. When she doesn't feel like playing the game anymore, she'll just move on. No regard for the non in any way. Doesn't matter if the relationship has been years. At any time. For any reason. She'll pick the ball up and leave.

You can't live your life like that. Degenerate gamblers aren't even that stupid. The odds are too stacked against you.