Boundaries = War

If you're dealing with an undiagnosed Borderline, it really is a futile situation.

I understand there are some books out there that attempt to help you communicate with your BPDSO, but in reality, it can really seem hopeless, especially in the long term if they are NOT getting treatment.

An example for me is when I started to set boundaries. I'd be receiving poor treatment from my ex, and I would put my foot down. Immediately it became a (ME VS HER) war.

Immediate rage. Inappropriate anger. Black and White thinking. She was the victim. I was the aggressor. All because I said, "Treating me this way hurts my feelings. What can we do to work on together to make it stop?"

For doing this I was labeled the following:

1. Hypersensitive
2. Excessively Needy
3. Having no friends
4. Having high anxiety
5. Being a cruel tyrant
6. Any other personal attack trying to tear my self esteem that i can't think of at the moment.

Dealing with this over time, can have a serious damaging effect on the thinking of the Non. You begin to believe the outrageous accusations of the BPD. Over time, it breaks down your psychological defenses. You begin to question yourself. Believe them. If you're in this terrible place in your life, do the best thing for yourself and get out of the situation as quickly as possible. If you don't it can have serious long term consequences to your mental health and state of well being.

Now beyond being accused of many things that weren't true, it was done at a level of screaming and abuse that was incredibly inappropriate. My ex is an emotional, abusive bully. She uses the good nature of people that care her against them. It allows her to mistreat people who she knows aren't going to set their boundaries. That's why boundaries are so important when dealing with a borderline. You have to protect yourself above all things, even it means losing the relationship. That is where the self examination comes into play and you NEED to desperately question why you would stay in a situation where someone treats you like a piece of garbage for so long. Over time, my ex's "real" emotional investment into the situation became less and less as I was devalued more and more. as she pulled away more, I became more invested into the situation trying to fix it. Classic push/pull splitting. A cycle that will repeat itself with more frequency as the relationship progresses.

I need to put myself before anyone else. Look out for numero uno.

Few Excellent Lectures on Borderline Personality Disorders

I found a few lectures on BPD that I found quite good

Can be found HERE and HERE

There are also a few others if you scroll under "People who listened to this also liked..."

A Very Good Show about BPD and Co-Dependency

I've been watching this show lately called Intervention

You can find the link to the first part of an episode by clicking on the name.

I've been watching several episodes and have noticed the same co-dependent traits in the enablers that I've seen within myself.

A lot of things have jumped out to me from watching this show. A majority of the people with problems are Bipolar or have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've seen the same pattern of behavior that I saw in my ex.

1. Destructive chemical addictions. (primarily alcohol, but marajuana, pills, cocaine as well)

2. Self destructive behaviors.

3. Violent temper

4. Manipulation. Inappropriate anger/Rages.

5. Sexual promiscuity.

You can clearly see them masking the inner pain. Everything is a result of extreme inner turmoil and pain. The real lesson from this show to me though, are the enablers.

I'm an enabler. I just want to placate and do anything possible to make the person "happy". If I just give in. Sacrifice myself. Sacrifice my boundaries, everything will be fine. It's can be so hard to just say "no". If you really want to help the person you love with BPD you need to learn to say "No". Enabling them will just perpetuate the behavior.

Carrot On A Stick

This has been truly the worst 2 years of my entire life. Especially this last year. I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel, but I still have a long way to go.

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is acceptance. I haven't even seen my ex in almost a year, (she moved away) yet she still hoovers me. Nothing serious, but if I want I can keep my foot in the door as one of her little playthings if I play by her rules, which I refuse to do. There really is no other way to describe it. I realize now that I never had a chance in the situation. I projected the fantasy of what I've always wanted into a dysfunctional relationship/person.

Being involved with a BPD is a classic example of "Carrot on a Stick". Meaning they always keep the illusion of joy and absolute love and harmony just out of reach. There is always something holding it up. Some excuse, no matter how bizarre, that is putting an electric fence in front of our ideal relationship. Understanding that the fence is BPD, and that BPD and the wonderful person you love and cherish are the same person, is when you can truly begin to heal. I'm blocked from the woman I loved by a fence with barbed wire, electricity, and a host of other defensive mechanism traps. The codependent in me is telling me "She needs me. I can save her.", so I try and climb the fence to rescue her. It always ends up the same way. I get violently shocked and emotionally injured. You'd think I would learn not to try and climb the fence.

It's very hard to give up on the people we love. I'm wired exactly like my mother, and I wish I wasn't. She "stayed" in a relationship with an abusive BPD (My father) and now that he's gone, she doesn't know what to do with her life. She was completely enmeshed with an abuser, who even at the end of his life when he was lost in morphine, was choking and hitting her. It was the most horrific scene I've ever witnessed in my life. My abusive father, dying and emaciated, lost in some memory from the past beating my mother as she's screaming.

Granted he improved when he quit drinking, but just because the physical abuse stopped, doesn't mean the emotional and verbal abuse got any better. It didn't. I don't have any negative feelings against my mother, but damn I wish she would have got us out of that situation early in my life. It has crippled me emotionally to where I can barely function now. It's been so hard to overcome. I've tried to mask it by going to the gym like a madman most of my adult life to build a solid exterior, but inside, I still feel like that cowering child waiting for the beatings. I realize now that BPD/Codependents are cut from the same mold. It's why we get involved in these dysfunctional dances. I could have very well ended up BPD myself, except my mother was an all engulfing co dependent who smothered me and tried to protect me, so I adopted her ways through childhood idealization. It's all unconscious. You don't do this purposely, it just becomes who you are as you experience life I suppose.

I have to stop thinking I'd be happy if only my exbpdgf wasn't severely mentally ill. Nobody can make me happy except myself. I have to learn to love myself. I wish my childhood and lifetime of abuse hadn't made that possibility feel like climbing Mount Everest.

The Best Article I've Read on Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a very long, but extremely insightful article on BPD

Creepy Video

Not BPD related, but it raises questions on reality and mental illness.

What would cause kids to behave this way? Was it something in their upbringing? Is it genetic?

What struck me were the parents. They help perpetuate it. They don't treat it like it's a problem.

Facing My Own Insecurities

There is something that has been eating away at me for over a year.

I have to admit that I allowed someone to cause permanent damage to my life. Myself.

I allowed the BPD in my life.

I allowed her to stay in my life after repeated red flags and outrageous behavior.

I allowed the stress and anxiety of the situation and other bad situations in my life to control me. To perpetuate bad habits and destructive behaviors.

I allowed her to string me along. Lie to me. Ultimately betray and cast me aside like a piece of garbage. I allowed all of it to happen. My own insecurities crippled my ability to have boundaries. To respect myself. To love myself. Ever since childhood I have this skewed sense of myself. It has crippled me my entire life.

I have to break the cycle of feeling worthless and hopeless. It's so hard when you've been dragged through the gutter by someone who wallows in it. We enter these relationships with the best of intentions. We want to help. We want to love. We want them to feel loved. We want to make it all better for them. It's a trap though. Once you're ensnared it's so damn difficult to break free.

I have to forgive myself for loving her. I didn't know what BPD was. I didn't understand mental illness. I didn't do anything wrong. I cared. I'm only human. I didn't make her treat me terribly. I didn't make her cheat. I didn't make her betray our love and friendship in such terrible ways. She just IS. That's who she is. That's what she does. She can't help herself.

It's my fault it happened because I didn't say "No"

I didn't walk away earlier before things became too personal and meaningful. I allowed her to walk in and stay. To cause the damage. I could have stopped it at any time by simply saying "No", and walking away. I can play monday morning QB all my life, but there comes a point where we have to accept the decisions that we make and learn from those mistakes. To grow and mature as human beings. Life is about not about what happened. It's about what you are doing and what you are going to do. Living in the past is not a way to live my life. It's just coming to grips with my decisions, accepting what is as reality, and moving forward. It's so damn hard when you're a co-dependent that has been betrayed so badly.

About Sums it Up

Found this over at A Shrink for Men

Gave me a chuckle

This I Promise

I took this from the BPDFamily message boards. It rings true for me in many ways. I am still very much mired in the traumatic situation that happened to me. Examining myself. The choices I made. The lifestyle I was living.

A relationship like this truly changes your life. You are never the same again after an experience like this. You view life differently than you used to. Life is not a game. It's about choices. It's what you make of it. Youth is something that does not last very long. No matter what you do, life continues. BPDs treat relationships like a game. They play with people's feelings. The relationship is completely at their every whim and desire. It's a purely selfish, childlike endeavor. It's just their reality. They can't comprehend the importance of it. Love isn't anything to them but a word.

My ex told me love was "whatever you wanted it to be". Think about that. Imagine living like that. Imagine how empty and hollow you must feel inside to think that way. She just doesn't have a clue. When you're all alone in the world, love is all you've got. People that care about you. Who want to help you. Protect you. Those are gifts in life. My ex just threw it all away and for what? For drugs and to spread her legs for some other guy. It really is sad and pathetic that she thinks so little of herself to do that. No matter what happens, life goes on. We can't stop it. We can only try to control our own happiness as best as we can through the choices that we make.

THIS I PROMISE

Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers, but you will drive yourself crazy if you try).

Accept that you will never understand whyor how s/he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.

Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser, not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate, but you can control how, or whether you react or respond toward him/her.

Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him/her, use you brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things s/he cannot give you - Love, Honesty, Respect, Kindness. S/he does not have them to give.

Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for caompanionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.

Remember, that if you try to get anything at all from him, her, you are given them immense power, because then s/he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhhold it. Don't give him/her that power in the first place. Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what you are negotiating to try to receive?

Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave than it is to settle for long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.

In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that altho the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.

Always know this. They need us more than we need them. We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.

Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.

Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.

Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!

Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If the peson you are dating wants to establish an intimate,long-term relatioship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.

Learn to love and respect yourself. give yourself all of the kindness and love s/he never did.

Soon you will see him/her for what they truly are. And you will learn about yourself as well.

BPD411

I came across this website and wanted to spread the word.

BPD411

It has a LOT of great resources.

An introduction from their website:

Emotional Detachment

Why it’s Important Nons are all the time doing really stupid (or desperate) things in an effort to meet the emotional needs of their BPSOs. In some cases the intention is to ’give him what he wants’ to ’make the crazyness stop’.

These can range from simply not standing up for oneself, allowing a small boundary violation to occur, to emotionally, and

most often financially devastatingly stupid. One fellow we know signed his entire house over to his BPSO on the way out. His intention was to ’get out’ NOW. It didn’t work.

Another Non tried settling a divorce out of court by offering a $250,000 "signing bonus" during mediation. That didn’t work. Signing over kids doesn’t work. There is too much emptyness at the core of the BP’s personality for anything to work. Any thing that seems to work is usually of short duration and extracts a high price from others.

So how does a Non survive? The only way is through achieving a zen-like state called "emotional detachment." This means ’stepping out of the box’ that is the BP/Non BP dynamic. This means understanding that it’s NOT about you, the Non. This means understanding that you are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.

Emotional detachment means learning to see that what the other person (the BP) is doing in terms of the disorder. It’s all about them, not you. Learning that what they are accusing you of, is most often just what they are thinking, or actually doing. When this happens the BP in your life is Projecting his thoughts, fears, actions and even behaviors onto you. What he says about you is often a tool to understanding what he is thinking about, planning or may attempt to do.

Getting into a place of emotional detachment means that you have to STOP spending time, energy and oft times money, attempting to ’prove’ to them that you are NOT being controlling, emotionally abusive, unfaithful, etc. etc.

Emotional detachment is absolutely required to do well in court and in life in general with a BPSO. You need to get out of the "emotional quagmire" and be able to see things rationally. Setting boundaries for yourself is one way of looking at this.

That is, if you set a boundary with yourself that you will not be angered by BP behaviors, then you’ve maintained a boundary internally. This is a good thing.

Now, emotionally detaching, while important, is very difficult. This person who has the disorder is important to you. You care about them.

The Projective Identification Trap

I became "needy" and hypersensitive" when I needed her to be a normal functioning friend/loved one on an adult level. I was "bad" for expecting the woman who claimed to love me to try and be there for me. Even a little bit. I would lose my temper because when I actually DID see her, she'd treat me with a severe lack of respect. Would act childish. I remember one instance where she was in the BR with her degenerate friend for an hour while I sat there and waited. When we were leaving I went back in the house to get someone that was lagging behind. The idiot was on the phone and wouldn't leave. I waited 10 minutes trying to get to move it. When I got back to the car I was hit with a barrage of accusations. I was just tired, exhausted, sick of it. I was going through some serious grief at this time. I just said "sheesh...fu man..."

This was after getting screamed at and demeaned for 5 minutes without her taking a breath, after having made me wait for an hour while she sat in the bathroom mind you. Needless to say she exploded. I just got out of the car and walked away. I was sick of it. While trying to walk away she stopped by me and grabbed my arm, dug her claws so deep with this crazy look on her face it made me bleed. I walked to my car which was about 5 miles. She went off and partied. No apology. No nothing.

There were so many instances of this crazyness. It wore me down. I just wanted normalcy. Dependability. I became more and more frustrated. If I would lose my temper, I was all of the sudden the one causing a problem. I was a jerk. This became justification for her abuse, lying, cheating, and ultimately saying "I Tole u" (picture child like pouty voice) when I caught her lying and cheating. Suddenly we weren't in a relationship because she "Tole me". Can you imagine how sick this really is? It's just SICK.

I was caught in the trap of projective identification. A no win situation. We really are slaves to their delusions and whims. This is why a relationship with a BPD will never work. You are a slave to their whims. You can't love unconditionally. You have to constantly be on guard. This can barely be manageable if you use certain techniques, but IMO, this is only for people in marriages or where kids are involved. If you are not married, have no kids with a BPD. Run. Don't walk. Run. If you're engaged. Give the ring back.

Just One More Hoover Fix

The amazing high of these addictive relationships can truly be an adrenaline shot to your ego. When I was on the pedestal, it felt so good to be wanted, to feel loved for who I am. At least that's what I thought it was. Little did I know it was an illusion. A false dream. I was being manipulated by a cunning actress. The mask was firmly in place. She just couldn't keep it on consistently. Such a shame.

It was the wonderful times, which I now realize were very few and far between, that kept me going back for more punishment. The promises of "It will be different this time." or "It was the drugs. I've changed. I'm not on drugs anymore." kept me giving her just one more chance. That incredible high of feeling loved. I realize now it had nothing to do with her. It was a yearning I've had since childhood, from growing up in a combative household. Of never feeling loved by my father. Her fake persona filled a void inside of me. I allowed myself to be easiliy manipulated, because I was chasing a high.

I was willing to put up with an incredible amount of abuse and betrayal to attain this high. It was a vicious cycle. I was trauma bonded to the BPD. I had PTSD. I wasn't taking care of myself physically. Felt lonely, worthless. Easy pickings for a manipulative BPD like my ex. The more power you give a BPD, like love and trust, the more vulnerable you become. Real mature adult relationships aren't like this. BPDs exploit those needs in us. They abuse that trust. They stomp on the love and then set it on fire. It's amazing they have the gall to try and worm their way back into our lives after such heavy betrayals, but they do.

My ex just shut it out. To her, it didn't happen, and she believed that. Truly. She had to make up the most outrageous lies to justify her behavior. It truly was...well...insane. I was being gaslighted. She was using projection and projective identification to transfer all of her guilt onto me. I was very weak emotionally, so it worked. I can't count how many nights I'd lay awake, still in shock, with this throbbing pain gnawing at my gut, going over every nuance of those conversations (When I caught her cheating), thinking I should have said this, or said that. Or if maybe I had acted differently, this would have not happened. My mind was working in overdrive, maticulously replaying instance in my head. It drove me nuts.

The truth is, it would have happened regardless. That's the ultimate truth. She cannot control herself or her impulsive behaviors.

We all heal at our own pace. After going through several hoover episodes, it has finally sunk in with me. I finally "get it". Acceptance. It's not easy. You want to think that the person you love is in there somewhere, but the hardest thing to realize and understand is that the person I loved was never real. She never existed. I was just an object fulfilling a need at a specific time. It wasn't about love. I honestly feel like a discarded teddy bear. Once a favorite toy, now cast aside with the other junk in the toybox. It's really sad when you think about it.

The "Why" Matters

A good question and my response to a thread at BPDFamily

The "Why" matters

The problem is you think you're going to get it from the BPD. That will never happen. They are seriously mentally ill.

The "Why" is that they are afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. In my ex's case, also NPD/APD.

If you try to get a "why" you will be gaslighted. They will use projective identification to dance around it. They will blame you. They will never blame themselves or take responsibility. Keep in mind, they have the emotional maturity of a child. They use emotional reasoning to deal with any situation, and that includes ripping your heart out and stomping on it. Then pouring gasoline on it and lighting it on fire. It's the brutal reality of the disease. They do not have the emotional maturity to handle adult intimate situations, or to truly understand the implications of their actions. They just are not wired that way.

You have to find and accept the answers on your own. I still struggle with this, but it's a process. I really wish I had gone into therapy, but I couldn't afford it. Got laid off, ect. I wouldn't had spent a year with these troubled thoughts and these haunted memories. I wouldn't have walked around like a zombie, dull and lifeless to the world. The betrayal triggered some intense feelings from my childhood. Extremely traumatic issues that I still struggle. The person responsible for those childhood issues dying at exactly the same time I was being betrayed by the BPD didn't help either. It was a tsunami of torment.

After my last interaction with her, I realize she's just "not there". She's scared. Alone. A child pretending to be an adult. Oh I'm sure she has a few guys on the side, (she always does) but it doesn't mean anything. It will never last. If it does, it won't be a grounded adult love with mutual trust and respect. It will be a roller coaster ride where the non is chasing an ever shifting goal post of expectations. When she doesn't feel like playing the game anymore, she'll just move on. No regard for the non in any way. Doesn't matter if the relationship has been years. At any time. For any reason. She'll pick the ball up and leave.

You can't live your life like that. Degenerate gamblers aren't even that stupid. The odds are too stacked against you.

More Contact Will Only Lead To More Abuse

So after the recent setback of having limited contact with psycho ex, I had to contact Verizon and have her blocked from my phone. I blocked her from MySpace. Blocked any possible way she can contact me. Yes, she can call me from a different number, but I doubt she will (Thankfully) and if I do see a number I'm not familiar with, I'll just screen all calls and VMs.

As a co-dependent, it seems like I keep learning the same harsh lesson over and over. My own subconscious responses keep me from learning from my mistakes. I have to be easy on myself. I'm just replaying the same abusive patterns I learned as a child. A very young child who had an abusive BPD father. I realize now I've lived my life shell shocked. Shell shocked from my childhood, which I now realize was abnormal, extremely violent and abusive.

After more than 2 years of dealing with pain, confusion, heartache, and over romanticizing an abusive bpd/npd, I have to fight my emotional rescuing impulses. She's ill. Seriously and severely mentally ill. Emotionally stunted. She needs therapy and treatment, but that is none of my concern and none of my business. I can inform her that she hurt me and the reasons why (suspected npd/bpd), but that's about it. It's her life and it's up to her to find the answers and the help she needs. I need to worry about my own life. Not hers.

I used to dream that she'd magically snap out of it. I didn't understand or grasp BPD. I didn't know about co-morbidity (Narcissism/Antisocial PD). I didn't know about splitting, projection, projective identification, devaluing, disassociation, ect. The Dance of Death. I didn't grasp the true nature of co-dependency and my own role. I had the power the entire time to end the situation. I had the power the entire time to say "No. This situation is unacceptable." Walk away.

I didn't do that though. I thought I was doing the noble thing. Being understanding, compassionate. Those ARE noble traits, but not at the sacrifice of myself, or my self respect. I confused stupidity with compassion. It cost me two good years of my life. An ocean of feelings, love, heartache, sense of loss and betrayal. My dignity. My self esteem. My sense of worth. It made me question my very existence. I was very near insanity from trying to make sense of the situation. I've had BPD "fleas" for more than a year now. It gets better with time, but that's what I need. Time to heal. Time to grow. I thank God I have such a wonderful, genuine, kind, and understanding mother. Mom, I love you more than you'll ever know.

The hardest part is letting go of the pain. The emotional bombs hurled my way. The absolutely terrible things she hurled my way. I've contemplated so many moments of hurt feelings, lies, and betrayal. She needed to dehumanize me. To minimize me as a person. To minimize our relationship to justify the betrayal and the lies. It's a defense mechanism she's been using her entire life. Learned I'm sure from a life of abuse. It's ok for me to care about her, but it's not ok for me to try and rescue her, or have any contact with her. She's too mentally disordered and dangerous in her current condition. Only years of therapy and treatment can help her control the impulses, but they never go away.

Right now she's firmly in denial. It doesn't matter how many relationships crumble because of her behavior, she will never admit she has a problem. It's unfortunate, but not my problem anymore. If only I had stayed away two years ago when the first red flags hit........

Live and Learn I suppose. Time will tell.

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde

A recent post of mine at BPDFamily


I've thought about this for a long time

At one point I thought it was a death. That was a mistake. Our minds seem to create two people out of one person when it comes to our exes. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Too literally IMO. We forgive Jeckyl for the actions of Hyde. We grieve over the loss of Jeckyl because of the actions of Hyde.

In reality I feel like I was drawn in by Jeckyl, but Jeckyl is the one that isn't real. He's just a mask. Hyde is who they are unfortunately. That doesn't make Hyde evil or bad. They aren't. I don't think Hyde is a monster. He's just a scared little child afraid of the real world. He doesn't know to love like an adult, but he's trapped in the body of an adult. Think about that. How do you hate someone for being who they are? It's not her fault I got involved. It's my fault. I saw Hyde early on, but I wanted Jeckyl too much and was willing to sacrifice my self respect, principles, and basic decency for the illusion of Jeckyl.

Hyde ultimately soul raped me, running away lobbing emotional hand grenades on his way out the door. On his way out he minimized me as a person, minimized our relationship, made me think it was my fault, and said he never violated the relationship on top of that. It's my fault I believed it. It's my fault I allowed it to happen. It's my fault that I allowed myself to believe that person. In reality, through their actions, they minimize themselves as people. Not me. I allowed her to define me. That's where I was broken. That's what I needed to fix. It was a learned response from childhood from reacting to a violent BPD father.

I am nowhere near the end of the journey. In fact, I believe it's just beginning. I have scars now. Knowledge, and the tools I need to live a better life though. It's just doing the work and continuing the self evaluation.

5 Reasons Why My BPD Cheated (Yes Her Real Reasons)

So after my ex finally admitted she cheated, after months of gaslighting, projective identification, raging, lying, typical BPD behaviors, her justification for "everything" was the following. Keep in mind, she believes she's totally fine and that there is nothing wrong with her. Her definition of love is "Whatever you want it to be". How romantic.

1. I needed to grieve over the death of my father. I needed time alone. (Yes because we all know that when you go through a traumatic, personal event like a family death, the thing you need most is for your loved ones to abandon you)

2. I was demanding all her time and she had other stress in her life. ( Actually, by this time, I was lucky to see her once every few days. When I did see her, her degenerate friend would always show up and they'd get plastered. She would pretend I was barely there. Yes, I was really demanding of all her time, even though through this period I was showing tremendous restraint and patience.)

3. We suddenly were not together. ( After 2 years of being together, suddenly she needed to minimize me and the relationship to justify her behavior. Keep in mind this is someone who thinks they know what mature adult love is.)

4. It was drugs. (See above)

5. I was crying too much. (Again. Gaslighting. Yes I cried the day my father died. Who wouldn't? This is supposed to be the woman that loves me. She's supposed to be my emotional rock. One of the main avenues of support. You get the picture.)

There are a host of other reasons she's given. I'm firmly convinced that BPDs shut out the terrible things they do to their loved ones. They can't face it, so they minimize the event. They minimize the circumstances. They minimize the person to justify it. They will never take responsiblity for their actions. Not ever. Just like a 5 year old will never take responsibility for their actions. Emotional immaturity. BPDs are fundamentally stuck in the emotional state of a child. It's a terrible, terrible illness.

I have pity for Mai and I will always love her, but the type of love has changed. It feels like I'm a parent now. It isn't my responsibility to be her parent, and I definitely do not wish to be. The purpose of me even spilling my feelings online is to disengage. I don't even know if anyone is reading this. I need to do it, but I digress....

I realize it's ok for me to love her, but understand she is very, very sick. That there is nothing I can do to help her. She will have to get help on her own, if ever. It's so very sad, but that is life.

I can't win. No Point in Playing the Game

The process of disengagement has been long and hard for me. The BPD continues to try and keep a pinky toe in my life. Stupidly, I took the bait. Fighting the rescuer has been really difficult. Recently, I failed.

So I get a random text by the BPD, all excited, that she is going to start school. Intrigued, I try to get more information from her. I learn that the school is called AIU. A quick google search reveals that AIU is a scam. One of those "get your degree in 2 years" and pay 50K to do it. Online schooling where you do all the work, and they collect the money by providing limited resources that can be found online for free.

AIUTruth Website

She's excited. She's changing her life. The endorphins are pumping as she pays them 50 bucks to start an application for a government grant/loan. She never bothered to do any research on this school. None. She was ready to sign away 50K being sold by a marketing salesmen on a phony dream.

For the sake of her son, I had to let her know this was a scam. In typical fashion, she pretended she knew. Then that was deflected into if she had known how much it cost she wouldn't have gone. All of this was bullshit. She had to have known the costs and risks in order to submit an application for the loan. She told me was set to start November 9th. That means everything was set and they were just waiting for approval on the loan.

Now you would think that a rational adult would thank me for looking out for them. Thank me for doing the research and letting them know they were getting scammed before it was too late right?

Wrong. We're talking about BPD here.

The conversation turn bad when she raged at me. I understand why. She had to deflect her inner shame of being taken for a fool, so she lashed out and blamed me for it. Claimed I always talk down on her and make her feel stupid. In reality, she felt stupid for believing the people selling her a lie. I just happened to be the easy target. It's so maddening to deal with the projection and blame. You try and do a good thing for a family and you get blamed for it. You're the enemy. You're the bad guy. What's the point?

Nothing works

It doesn't matter how I treat her or act. It doesn't matter what I say. She's just broken. Period. I'm not equipped with the tools to fix her. I'm not an emotional mechanic. I just wanted a loving partner who respected me but instead I got someone inflicted with a terrible mental illness.

That's just life I guess

Splitting and Cheating - The BPD Way

Taken from the BPDFamily Boards


BPD meets a non, they idolize us and we fall in love

At some point the behavior become outrageous and we all know there is something wrong with them

At that point BPDs split us black and move on to other people ultimately finding someone who
generally makes believe they dont know for ulterior gain (in this case money. Could be for a variety of reasons only know to the BPDs damaged psyche)

In other words the disease is transparent even though BPDs expend tremendous energy trying to hide it

Ultimately everyone else knows anyhow.

But because they see themselves as defective their primary defense is denial -hence splitting, hence cheating

For them there really is no way out.

I think this analysis is spot on. I definitely dealt with it. I remember when the splitting occurred. I had been tremendously emotionally drained. My father was sick again, diagnosed terminal, and I had been dealing with that private family tragedy for a few months by this time.

We were talking on the phone about her work drama as usual. Vapid, shallow, worthless drama involving completely dysfunctional people. In other words, not worth her time or my time. Usually, I would placate her and talk her through things. I just wasn't in the mood. I made it clear I didn't want to talk about her work drama. It just didn't feel appropriate.

Her response was rage. Screaming. Yelling at me to "Get over it". BPD need is so great, they completely disregard the feelings and needs of other people. There is a complete lack of empathy. Looking back, I noticed my ex never showed empathy. She would pretend, but it wasn't real empathy. It reminded me of bad actor trying to do Shakespeare. Transparently fake. Not believable. Reminds me when I took acting classes in college for fun. You'd see people trying to act, but it was embarrassing to watch. My ex trying to be empathetic and show compassion reminded me of this.

When my dad died and I txted her that he was dead, her response was "He's in a better place now." We never really had an in depth discussion about it either. She avoided it. She didn't go to the funeral. She didn't offer to go. She honestly didn't care. Their inner pain and turmoil is too great for them to have the ability to empathize with another person's pain. It's why she so easily lied to my face, all smiles, but in reality was txting me sweet kisses in another man's bed. 2 months after my father passed away. When you think about it, only someone truly mentally ill could be capable of such behavior. It's so sad that nothing can really be done to help, but we have our own lives to live. I know I need to change my life so I can never allow someone with BPD in again. I have to have firm boundaries, stop trying to people please, stop trying to rescue. Be selfish with my time and my life. There is nothing wrong with that. It's my life and I only get one shot at it.

As someone said on BPDFamily

That says it all - to the BPD emotions and thoughts are real. And even emotions and thoughts they project onto you are real. We all struggle so long to reason with them, but it is no use because they are thinking in a totally different world of reality from the rest of us.

If a BPD "feels" you are going to reject them, or leave them, even if it isn't true, then you are on very shaky ground. You probably won't even be aware of it. If you trigger their abandonment fear, you will be kicked off the pedestal and discarded like a piece of trash. It's a VERY harsh reality to learn about the disease.

Caring: The Trigger Effect

I look back on all the times where I was wronged. Gaslighted. Manipulated. Abused.

It really is inconceivable what I put up with. Like a puppet on a string. I can't blame the BPD though. Because of my own insecurities, weakness, and need to be loved, I allowed the worst possible things to happen to me in my life. I had the power all along to make it stop. I was just unwilling to let it go. I had to try "one more time", thinking if I cared just a little bit more than last time, things would work out like a fairy tale in the movies.

Unfortunately reality does not work that way.

The more we care. The more they push us away. The more we try to convince them we care about them, the more they distance themselves. It's a no-win life situation that will never get better. When they hurt. It's your fault. When they are sad. It's your fault. It seems like they just can't deal with their feelings, so whoever they are close to becomes the trash bin for all their ugly emotions.

No amount of love or caring can fix them. No amount of pleading, convincing, will make them "snap out of it", see the light, love you, and then the two of you go riding off into the sunset happy. They are not "emotionally rational" human beings unfortunately. There is only one real outcome when you are in a relationship with someone that has BPD. Trauma.

If the BPD is committed to treatment there can be success, but I'm not a believer. For them to even see the light is near impossible. For them to even admit they have a problem is an impossibility, especially if they have a splash of narcissism thrown in. They can just jump from partner to partner, get immediate needs met, relationship soon sours, they abandon the relationship as soon as a new one becomes available. A never ending cycle.

Video of Anne Frank

She would die 3 years later.

When you put life into perspective, you can see how vapid and empty a relationship is with a person that has borderline personality disorder. You can see how much of your own life you waste, trying to fix someone that is beyond your ability to help.

Perspective

I was talking to a friend the other day and he told me about a recent breakup he had gone through.

He told me about the abnormal behavior, the sudden breakup without warning. The weirdness. Hot and cold behavior. Unchecked emotions, ect. from his partner. I linked him some information on BPD and he got the "lightbulb" effect. We talked about it for awhile and he said something to me that put it all into perspective.

"A dog treats you better than a borderline, and they'll shit in the middle of your living room"

So very true. Good luck brother. Your journey has just begun.

Taking it One Day at a Time

The one thing I have trouble with is letting go. We all do.

How can we walk away from those we love so much? How can we turn our back on them? They are sick, in need of serious therapy and help, and if only they would listen to us and get help, all would be wonderful right?

Wrong.

Most borderlines are in complete denial that they have a problem. Even though Mai is an alcoholic. Even though she can't stop taking drugs. Even though she is on one continual path of self destruction. Even though she hurts and betrays every person that loves her and cares about her, it's never her fault. She doesn't think she has a problem. Everyone else has a problem. Not her.

It's really sad, but no matter how much we wish we could, we cannot change or alter their skewed perception of reality. Only years of intensive DBT therapy, medication, ect. can make a dent. And that can only help if the BPD is completely committed to treatment. Otherwise, it's a lost cause. Factor in their defense mechanisms of splitting, devaluing, disassociation, ect. and you can see that BPDs have a major hill to climb if they ever want to get better.

I struggle everyday to remain No Contact. No contact is about my own mental health. I have to protect myself from ME. From my tendencies to rescue. To try and help.

I look back on the last 2 years of my life. From watching my father die while I tried to take care of him as he suffered from cancer, to my own spiral into darkness and bad habits, to the ultimate betrayal two months later, a week after my birthday, of the BPD.

No reason was given. No explanation. No apology, No acknowledgment of her betrayal. Just lies, deception, manipulation, ect. Standard BPD operating procedure in a relationship. A path of destruction.

It was a perfect recipe for disaster. Re-living my childhood through the BPD relationship. Coming to grips with my childhood with my abusive BPD father at the same time. A one-two punch in the soul.

The hardest part of letting go is understanding that the relationship was never real. It was never about me, my good qualities, ect. It was only about Mai's need to be loved. It's a bottomless pit of need that can never be sated. It's so unfortunate. I wish I could help, but I'm not God and I certainly don't want to be a parent to someone I'm in a relationship with. It's so maddening when you peel back the layers of the BPD relationship dynamic. See the childhood behavior for it is. That of a child in an adult woman's body. See the child psyche. The way the child interacts and puts on the fake mask in public, but it's all such a silly sham when you see through the mask.

You want to help but you're not God.

I can only take it one day at a time.

Let go of a fantasy that was never real. A perceived love that was never real because my partner can't love like an adult.

What Borderlines Are Capable Of

Codependency is our kryptonite.

I grew up in an extreme household. My father had two ways of expressing himself. The cold shoulder and extreme rage. Not just losing your temper, but absolute "rage". Uncontrollable anger that causes extreme anxiety and fear. I firmly believe now that my dad was BPD. We learn from an early age how to react to BPD behaviors. We're programmed to behave in a way that diffuses the situation. To remove the conflict by sacrificing ourselves, our values, our dignity. We become slaves to the rage.

I remember as early as the age of four, having empty beer bottles thrown at my head as my mother and I held each other in fear on the bed. My father was drunk, which was the norm, not living in reality at that moment. Lost in childhood pain and lashing out. He was primal, child rage.

I remember being awake late at night when he would come home drunk. I remember the deep feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach as I dared to look out a crack in my door. I would see my mother begging for leniency as my father beat her relentlessly. Vivid memories of my mother getting shoved against the wall pleading, begging, terrified.

I remember the lifetime of emotional abuse. I remember my family having to walk on eggshells to cater to my father's every whim. We couldn't be too loud or we would disturb him while he watched TV. We couldn't get any food from the kitchen or we would make a mess, regardless if we were starving.

I remember being quite familiar with the sting from a belt. I would get beaten for trivial things. I would get beaten for getting sick and throwing up on my bed. The most vivid memory of this was when I was fifteen. I was playing around with my brother outside at dusk. I got into a serious accident and shattered my lower teeth, severed my gum line. It was a serious injury that required I go to the hospital immediately. I was losing a lot of blood. I was in shock and pain. My father was on the couch watching TV as usual. I snuck into the bathroom to check my injuries, too afraid to tell my father, thinking maybe I could cover it up and pretend it didn't happen. My brother, afraid too, walked into the house and said "Shawn hurt himself" and promptly ran away to his friend's house. What happened next I will never forget.

My mom walks in the bathroom and loses it, screaming. She can see how terribly I'm injured. My father walks in and beats the living hell out of me. Not just a slap or two. I was punched, kicked, stomped, shoved violently into the bathtub. Then I was taken to the hospital where I had my mouth sown back together. I remember the constant feeling of terror in the pit of my stomach......

Growing up with a Borderline Parent trains us for when we become involved in a relationship with one. It takes years of programming. The first step to leaving a relationship with a Borderline is self examination. Understanding why you put up with so much abuse for so little for so long. Why you would jump over mountains for that little scrap of affection that was so prevalent in the beginning to hook you in. What made you codependent? That is the question ...

How to Kiss a Borderline by James T. Kirk

Satire can have a healing effect .....

BPD Rules

1. The BPD's thoughts and feelings are MORE important than YOURS.

2. Your thoughts and feelings are a burden to the BPD, if focusing on your feelings takes the focus off THEIR FEELINGS, or if your thoughts/feelings are critical of the way the BPD has been behaving/treating you.

3. In the relationship, the BPD makes the rules, doesn't have to obey the rules, and can change them at ANYTIME.

3a. IF the BPD does change the rules, you should already know what the new rule is and why they decided to change it.

4. You must be perfect at all times (i.e. be god), and if you are not, then you are the devil.

5. Their thought, feelings, and emotions can change on a dime.

6. If criticize your BPD, they will fight tooth and nail to defend their actions.

6a. If they admit that they were wrong, then in their minds they are horrible people (do to their black and white thinking). In order to avoid feeling horrible, they will make excuses and twist reality around to make to justify their behavior.

6b. They rarely, if ever apologize for wrong doing.

6c. If they do apologize, its not because they mean it, but because they want/need something from you and they realize that they need to apologize to smooth things over, so they can get want they want/need out of you.

7. If you do not do what your BPD wants, they will use emotional blackmail, manipulation, name calling, etc. to get what they want.

7a. They will sometimes threaten to end the relationship, if you don't give into them. This is their trump card.

8. If the BPD ends the relationship then they still expect you to be there for them, and do whatever they want from you.

8a. If they have lost all romantic feelings for you, you still have to be there for them, no matter what.

9.If they do something to hurt you, then it is your fault, because you must have do something WRONG to "make them" rage/hurt you back.

10. You are responsible for their feelings. If they don't feel good, then you must do something to make them feel better.

10a. If you can't make them feel better, then you are not a good enough partner and/or you are selfish.

11. When they criticize you, they are projecting their faults/flaws onto you.

11a. When they do project, it's because they want to make it look like your flaws are worse than theirs, so they can feel better by comparison.

12. You and the BPD are not equal partners in the relationship. They are the dictator

12a. You are the parent replacement, and are suppose to be there for them, no matter what (as a parent would do to their child).

13. They have the emotional psyche a child, while having the physical and intellectual capacity of an adult.

Courtesy of GodofNietzche at BPDFamily

Interview with Randi Kreger on PJTV

Excellent interview with Randi Kreger and Dr. Helen can be found HERE

It's a very excellent discussion for loved ones of Borderline Personality Disorder. Randi Kreger has written two excellent books on the subject for us nons

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

Dr. Helen's excellent blog can be found here as well.

Resources For Us Nons

The following websites are a good start if you're just learning about Borderline Personality Disorder. You probably have many questions like, "How the hell did I get involved in this relationship? How the hell did this happen to me?"

1. BPDFamily- The best place to go to cope with the hell on Earth that you've most likely lived through. A lot of good, compassionate people here. I am a member there myself.

2. Gettinbetter - This website has some amazing articles. Read every single one.

3. Shrink4Men - Another excellent website. READ every single article.

4. The Psycho Ex-Wife - If you ever considered marrying your BPDSO this website will give you a cold splash of reality. Marrying a BPD does NOT make them better. It only makes the situation worse and your life way more complicated than it already is.

5. Bill Eddy's Website. Very good information here, especially his handbook on splitting.

More to come ...

The Reality of a BPD Relationship

How do you tell your loved ones and friends what you went through?

How do you make them understand?

What do you tell them about Borderline Personality Disorder? Do you even tell them?

People that have never been involved with someone that has the illness can never know to be honest. You can only know if you've been involved with someone that has BPD. The process of brainwashing, manipulation, emotional and even physical abuse over an extended period of time has traumatic effects on your psyche. A trauma bond is formed.

You become addicted to the person with BPD. You become a slave to Intermittent Reinforcement, desperately clutching to any amount of normalcy and affection that you can. Over time, that affection becomes less and less, and the rage and blaming become the norm. Then without warning you are split, painted black, devalued, rejected, abandoned, betrayed. The BPD will show no remorse. No guilt. No empathy. It doesn't matter how much you loved them. It doesn't matter how much you did for them on any level. You are the perceived enemy for whatever paranoid delusion is happening in their mind and you need to be punished. In the end, you're a shell of a human being. You feel like your soul has been sucked out. You've lost yourself.

This does not happen over night.

I empathize completely with people that suffer from BPD, but there is nothing really being done for the people that suffer from being involved with them in close relationships. Either family members, or a personal relationship. Even a friendship. It's a very serious issue that many people are silently suffering from. Especially if you're a man. Men don't report abuse. Men take it in stride and deal with it. We're taught from a young age to respect women and never be aggressive towards them in any way.

But what if the man is being abused?

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:

1. Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.

3. Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.

4. Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.

5. Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.

6. Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.

7. Have long-term feelings of emptiness.

8. Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.

9. Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.

My ex who we'll call "Mai" exhibited every single one of these criteria over an extended period of time. I plan on recounting as much of it as I can over a period of time so I can confront it, accept it, and put it behind me. You will never get closure from someone that has BPD. Not ever. They will string you along as long as they can to keep you engaged. Even after they've betrayed your trust in the most horrific ways, they can "hoover" you back in at any time and pretend like nothing bad ever happened. They will never face any wrong they committed in the past or apologize for it. Not ever.