Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde

A recent post of mine at BPDFamily


I've thought about this for a long time

At one point I thought it was a death. That was a mistake. Our minds seem to create two people out of one person when it comes to our exes. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Too literally IMO. We forgive Jeckyl for the actions of Hyde. We grieve over the loss of Jeckyl because of the actions of Hyde.

In reality I feel like I was drawn in by Jeckyl, but Jeckyl is the one that isn't real. He's just a mask. Hyde is who they are unfortunately. That doesn't make Hyde evil or bad. They aren't. I don't think Hyde is a monster. He's just a scared little child afraid of the real world. He doesn't know to love like an adult, but he's trapped in the body of an adult. Think about that. How do you hate someone for being who they are? It's not her fault I got involved. It's my fault. I saw Hyde early on, but I wanted Jeckyl too much and was willing to sacrifice my self respect, principles, and basic decency for the illusion of Jeckyl.

Hyde ultimately soul raped me, running away lobbing emotional hand grenades on his way out the door. On his way out he minimized me as a person, minimized our relationship, made me think it was my fault, and said he never violated the relationship on top of that. It's my fault I believed it. It's my fault I allowed it to happen. It's my fault that I allowed myself to believe that person. In reality, through their actions, they minimize themselves as people. Not me. I allowed her to define me. That's where I was broken. That's what I needed to fix. It was a learned response from childhood from reacting to a violent BPD father.

I am nowhere near the end of the journey. In fact, I believe it's just beginning. I have scars now. Knowledge, and the tools I need to live a better life though. It's just doing the work and continuing the self evaluation.