Abusive Women, Cults, Brainwashing and Deprogramming, Part I

Great article HERE

Every point in this article hit home for me, especially these points about myself.

• Dependency. An intense desire for a sense of belonging, approval, acceptance and a fear of being alone.
• Unassertiveness. Non-confrontational, people-pleasers who are reluctant to question authority.
• Gullibility. A willingness to believe what another person says without critically thinking it through or challenging it.
• Naive Idealism. The belief that everyone is good, has some redeeming quality or can change for the better.
• Desire for Spiritual Meaning. The belief that life has a “higher purpose” or that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people are just abusive jerks and there’s no deeper meaning attached to it, but good targets keep searching for it despite all evidence to the contrary.

It's not about them. It's about us.

Interesting Story about Borderline Personality Disorder

This is an interesting story with many excellent examples I came across

For people with this disorder, small problems explode into catastrophes, friends become enemies, love turns to hate – often with breath-taking speed. Relationships crumble, jobs rarely last. And their families are along for the ride.

The small problems exploding into catastrophes hits home with me. One thing that people need to understand about the disorder is that Borderlines will constantly test your boundaries. From day one you're boundaries are being poked and prodded and tested to see how strong you are. If you show any weakness with a borderline you are lost.

At the same time, if you are firm with your boundaries, be prepared to lose the relationship/friendship forever if you hold firm. An example is when my ex told me would call me on a specific day. She made a specific promise. As usual that day came and went without a phone call, so when we spoke next, I asked her about it. A person in a normal healthy state usually isn't going to blow someone off without good reason, and if they do, they usually apologize and attempt to rectify the situation. That is NOT how it works with a Borderline.

They will create an excuse, usually imagined, that is designed to create guilt and pity for even questioning their behavior. For instance they were "too busy" and "things are going bad right now. It was too hectic". All designed to make you wilt in enforcing your boundary. My ex is a MASTER at this tactic. If you even question a little why they were too busy to dial a phone number for two days as promised you will be attacked viciously and personally, depending at what stage the Boderline Rollercoaster relationship has currently evolved into.

Lack of Substance

Thinking about the experience with my ex recently I was trying to wrap my head around what was missing. There is just something fundamentally missing from someone with BPD. They are play actors. They mimic what they think a meaningful relationship is. What they think love is. It's very hard to wrap my around, but they really do not know. It's foreign to them. A completely alien state of being.

My ex does nothing and has nothing meaningful in her life. Absolutely nothing.

No close friends

No real long term relationships. Her husband who was murdered abandoned her and his family for drugs. They were constantly fighting and on the outs the entire time they were together. He tricked her into getting pregnant.

She manipulates and betrays anyone of substance that cares about her in life. Not only that, she'll minimize the relationship afterwords to excuse her actions and make them seem less severe. Even though the person who just got betrayed feels like an icepick has just been stabbed through their heart. Literally.

She is completely unable to tell the truth. About anything. She is always the victim. Anyone who calls her out on her games is the abuser. Not her. Even though I've seen her full blown abusive rages and have been on the receiving end of her physical abuse, it is never her fault. Ever. You cannot have any type of rational conversation with her about anything. The conversation has to be about her and the drama surrounding her small insignificant world. Whether it be about other strippers she's jealous of at work and she wants to badmouth them, or the "mean" manager who wouldn't let her work because she was late.

Current events? Nope

Philosophy? Ha. Unless you want to listen to her drone on about reincarnation and Egyptians or something.

Politics? She doesn't know anything about them or even vote.

I won't even touch religion.

Her "job" is taking off her clothes and sitting on some stranger's lap topless for money. Somehow she's heroic for doing this because she's taking care of her son alone. Nevermind that's by her choice and any decent man that comes along who would be an excellent father figure is completely betrayed and destroyed by this emotional predator.

Lack of substance is the only way to describe it. She lacks character. Depth. Especially emotional depth. She lacks humanity. She has no real tangible identity. On the surface it can seem this way because of her appearance, but that's all skin deep. Just like everything else about her. It's skin deep.

It was my own issues that allowed someone like this to get so close to me emotionally in my life. I was starving so bad for affection I took any table scrap I could find. It was my own childish needs that were never met by a parent at a very young age. Never having a real father. Just someone who yelled at me or barked orders. Someone I wanted to never be home because his mere presence caused high anxiety. You were waiting for the pin to drop. You left a piece of food accidentely on the counter. You spilled water. You shut a door too loud. The TV was on too loud in your room. You argued with your brother as kids do. You got an expensive gift for your birthday and had to listen to your mother get screamed at for hours while you attempted to enjoy it and not feel terribly guilty for getting a present on your birthday.

You get the picture.

The Reality of Asking "Why?"

I was looking up information on an author I enjoy and I stumbled across his blog. I was shocked to read that he had just gone through the exact same situation that I had with someone that has BPD. Not only that, but it seems he is also on the road to self discovery like many nons out there.

It brought me some comfort to know that I am not alone in this experience. You read forums. You read the the replies. All of it seems like one long horrible dream of the same outrageous Borderline behaviors over and over to where you feel like you are stuck in a loop of madness.

I am going to try and make an effort to post more. I have been really busy lately and not had much of a chance, but I realize now I need to do it. Regardless if anyone even reads it. For my own recovery I need to put it down to paper so to speak.

The article and many others can be found HERE

Few Excellent Lectures on Borderline Personality Disorders

I found a few lectures on BPD that I found quite good

Can be found HERE and HERE

There are also a few others if you scroll under "People who listened to this also liked..."

A Very Good Show about BPD and Co-Dependency

I've been watching this show lately called Intervention

You can find the link to the first part of an episode by clicking on the name.

I've been watching several episodes and have noticed the same co-dependent traits in the enablers that I've seen within myself.

A lot of things have jumped out to me from watching this show. A majority of the people with problems are Bipolar or have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've seen the same pattern of behavior that I saw in my ex.

1. Destructive chemical addictions. (primarily alcohol, but marajuana, pills, cocaine as well)

2. Self destructive behaviors.

3. Violent temper

4. Manipulation. Inappropriate anger/Rages.

5. Sexual promiscuity.

You can clearly see them masking the inner pain. Everything is a result of extreme inner turmoil and pain. The real lesson from this show to me though, are the enablers.

I'm an enabler. I just want to placate and do anything possible to make the person "happy". If I just give in. Sacrifice myself. Sacrifice my boundaries, everything will be fine. It's can be so hard to just say "no". If you really want to help the person you love with BPD you need to learn to say "No". Enabling them will just perpetuate the behavior.

Carrot On A Stick

This has been truly the worst 2 years of my entire life. Especially this last year. I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel, but I still have a long way to go.

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is acceptance. I haven't even seen my ex in almost a year, (she moved away) yet she still hoovers me. Nothing serious, but if I want I can keep my foot in the door as one of her little playthings if I play by her rules, which I refuse to do. There really is no other way to describe it. I realize now that I never had a chance in the situation. I projected the fantasy of what I've always wanted into a dysfunctional relationship/person.

Being involved with a BPD is a classic example of "Carrot on a Stick". Meaning they always keep the illusion of joy and absolute love and harmony just out of reach. There is always something holding it up. Some excuse, no matter how bizarre, that is putting an electric fence in front of our ideal relationship. Understanding that the fence is BPD, and that BPD and the wonderful person you love and cherish are the same person, is when you can truly begin to heal. I'm blocked from the woman I loved by a fence with barbed wire, electricity, and a host of other defensive mechanism traps. The codependent in me is telling me "She needs me. I can save her.", so I try and climb the fence to rescue her. It always ends up the same way. I get violently shocked and emotionally injured. You'd think I would learn not to try and climb the fence.

It's very hard to give up on the people we love. I'm wired exactly like my mother, and I wish I wasn't. She "stayed" in a relationship with an abusive BPD (My father) and now that he's gone, she doesn't know what to do with her life. She was completely enmeshed with an abuser, who even at the end of his life when he was lost in morphine, was choking and hitting her. It was the most horrific scene I've ever witnessed in my life. My abusive father, dying and emaciated, lost in some memory from the past beating my mother as she's screaming.

Granted he improved when he quit drinking, but just because the physical abuse stopped, doesn't mean the emotional and verbal abuse got any better. It didn't. I don't have any negative feelings against my mother, but damn I wish she would have got us out of that situation early in my life. It has crippled me emotionally to where I can barely function now. It's been so hard to overcome. I've tried to mask it by going to the gym like a madman most of my adult life to build a solid exterior, but inside, I still feel like that cowering child waiting for the beatings. I realize now that BPD/Codependents are cut from the same mold. It's why we get involved in these dysfunctional dances. I could have very well ended up BPD myself, except my mother was an all engulfing co dependent who smothered me and tried to protect me, so I adopted her ways through childhood idealization. It's all unconscious. You don't do this purposely, it just becomes who you are as you experience life I suppose.

I have to stop thinking I'd be happy if only my exbpdgf wasn't severely mentally ill. Nobody can make me happy except myself. I have to learn to love myself. I wish my childhood and lifetime of abuse hadn't made that possibility feel like climbing Mount Everest.

The Best Article I've Read on Borderline Personality Disorder

This is a very long, but extremely insightful article on BPD

Creepy Video

Not BPD related, but it raises questions on reality and mental illness.

What would cause kids to behave this way? Was it something in their upbringing? Is it genetic?

What struck me were the parents. They help perpetuate it. They don't treat it like it's a problem.

Facing My Own Insecurities

There is something that has been eating away at me for over a year.

I have to admit that I allowed someone to cause permanent damage to my life. Myself.

I allowed the BPD in my life.

I allowed her to stay in my life after repeated red flags and outrageous behavior.

I allowed the stress and anxiety of the situation and other bad situations in my life to control me. To perpetuate bad habits and destructive behaviors.

I allowed her to string me along. Lie to me. Ultimately betray and cast me aside like a piece of garbage. I allowed all of it to happen. My own insecurities crippled my ability to have boundaries. To respect myself. To love myself. Ever since childhood I have this skewed sense of myself. It has crippled me my entire life.

I have to break the cycle of feeling worthless and hopeless. It's so hard when you've been dragged through the gutter by someone who wallows in it. We enter these relationships with the best of intentions. We want to help. We want to love. We want them to feel loved. We want to make it all better for them. It's a trap though. Once you're ensnared it's so damn difficult to break free.

I have to forgive myself for loving her. I didn't know what BPD was. I didn't understand mental illness. I didn't do anything wrong. I cared. I'm only human. I didn't make her treat me terribly. I didn't make her cheat. I didn't make her betray our love and friendship in such terrible ways. She just IS. That's who she is. That's what she does. She can't help herself.

It's my fault it happened because I didn't say "No"

I didn't walk away earlier before things became too personal and meaningful. I allowed her to walk in and stay. To cause the damage. I could have stopped it at any time by simply saying "No", and walking away. I can play monday morning QB all my life, but there comes a point where we have to accept the decisions that we make and learn from those mistakes. To grow and mature as human beings. Life is about not about what happened. It's about what you are doing and what you are going to do. Living in the past is not a way to live my life. It's just coming to grips with my decisions, accepting what is as reality, and moving forward. It's so damn hard when you're a co-dependent that has been betrayed so badly.

About Sums it Up

Found this over at A Shrink for Men

Gave me a chuckle

This I Promise

I took this from the BPDFamily message boards. It rings true for me in many ways. I am still very much mired in the traumatic situation that happened to me. Examining myself. The choices I made. The lifestyle I was living.

A relationship like this truly changes your life. You are never the same again after an experience like this. You view life differently than you used to. Life is not a game. It's about choices. It's what you make of it. Youth is something that does not last very long. No matter what you do, life continues. BPDs treat relationships like a game. They play with people's feelings. The relationship is completely at their every whim and desire. It's a purely selfish, childlike endeavor. It's just their reality. They can't comprehend the importance of it. Love isn't anything to them but a word.

My ex told me love was "whatever you wanted it to be". Think about that. Imagine living like that. Imagine how empty and hollow you must feel inside to think that way. She just doesn't have a clue. When you're all alone in the world, love is all you've got. People that care about you. Who want to help you. Protect you. Those are gifts in life. My ex just threw it all away and for what? For drugs and to spread her legs for some other guy. It really is sad and pathetic that she thinks so little of herself to do that. No matter what happens, life goes on. We can't stop it. We can only try to control our own happiness as best as we can through the choices that we make.

THIS I PROMISE

Accept that you will never find rational motives behind irrational people (abusers, but you will drive yourself crazy if you try).

Accept that you will never understand whyor how s/he can be so cruel and lack remorse, and let it go. You can only learn to understand yourself and your own behavior.

Accept that you cannot control or change an abuser, not with any amount of love, money, or attempts to be the perfect mate, but you can control how, or whether you react or respond toward him/her.

Accept that your abuser has nothing you need or want. Each time your bruised psyche attempts to convince you that you want or need him/her, use you brain. If you stop to think about what you really want and need, you will find that these are things s/he cannot give you - Love, Honesty, Respect, Kindness. S/he does not have them to give.

Know that these needs are normal human needs (the desire for caompanionship, intimacy, love, honesty, respect, affection, kindness) and that you can have these needs filled. Learn to find these things from within yourself and from people other than your abuser.

Remember, that if you try to get anything at all from him, her, you are given them immense power, because then s/he then has the choice to either give it to you or withhhold it. Don't give him/her that power in the first place. Besides, why negotiate a deal with someone who doesn't have what you are negotiating to try to receive?

Remember that it is always wiser to risk long-term happiness and leave than it is to settle for long-term unhappiness (or worse) and stay.

In the beginning, before you learn to love yourself again, remind yourself that altho the most difficult and heart wrenching thing is no contact, it is also the healthiest choice and the only true way out.

Always know this. They need us more than we need them. We've just been brainwashed into thinking the opposite of what we now know to be true.

Admit to yourself and to trustworthy support persons that you need love, concern, understanding, support, and especially validation to make it through recovery from abuse.

Finally, remember that asking for or expecting any kindness, honesty, love, maturity, reason or other unselfish behavior from an abuser is like trying to get blood from a stone.

Try something you've always wanted to try. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is you want to do. YOU ARE FREE NOW!

Start to consider what you want from a healthy partner in your next long-term relationship. If the peson you are dating wants to establish an intimate,long-term relatioship with you, let them know that you are available as a friend right now - and more may come later.

Learn to love and respect yourself. give yourself all of the kindness and love s/he never did.

Soon you will see him/her for what they truly are. And you will learn about yourself as well.

BPD411

I came across this website and wanted to spread the word.

BPD411

It has a LOT of great resources.

An introduction from their website:

Emotional Detachment

Why it’s Important Nons are all the time doing really stupid (or desperate) things in an effort to meet the emotional needs of their BPSOs. In some cases the intention is to ’give him what he wants’ to ’make the crazyness stop’.

These can range from simply not standing up for oneself, allowing a small boundary violation to occur, to emotionally, and

most often financially devastatingly stupid. One fellow we know signed his entire house over to his BPSO on the way out. His intention was to ’get out’ NOW. It didn’t work.

Another Non tried settling a divorce out of court by offering a $250,000 "signing bonus" during mediation. That didn’t work. Signing over kids doesn’t work. There is too much emptyness at the core of the BP’s personality for anything to work. Any thing that seems to work is usually of short duration and extracts a high price from others.

So how does a Non survive? The only way is through achieving a zen-like state called "emotional detachment." This means ’stepping out of the box’ that is the BP/Non BP dynamic. This means understanding that it’s NOT about you, the Non. This means understanding that you are a sane person dealing with an insane disorder. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, and you can’t Cure it.

Emotional detachment means learning to see that what the other person (the BP) is doing in terms of the disorder. It’s all about them, not you. Learning that what they are accusing you of, is most often just what they are thinking, or actually doing. When this happens the BP in your life is Projecting his thoughts, fears, actions and even behaviors onto you. What he says about you is often a tool to understanding what he is thinking about, planning or may attempt to do.

Getting into a place of emotional detachment means that you have to STOP spending time, energy and oft times money, attempting to ’prove’ to them that you are NOT being controlling, emotionally abusive, unfaithful, etc. etc.

Emotional detachment is absolutely required to do well in court and in life in general with a BPSO. You need to get out of the "emotional quagmire" and be able to see things rationally. Setting boundaries for yourself is one way of looking at this.

That is, if you set a boundary with yourself that you will not be angered by BP behaviors, then you’ve maintained a boundary internally. This is a good thing.

Now, emotionally detaching, while important, is very difficult. This person who has the disorder is important to you. You care about them.

The Projective Identification Trap

I became "needy" and hypersensitive" when I needed her to be a normal functioning friend/loved one on an adult level. I was "bad" for expecting the woman who claimed to love me to try and be there for me. Even a little bit. I would lose my temper because when I actually DID see her, she'd treat me with a severe lack of respect. Would act childish. I remember one instance where she was in the BR with her degenerate friend for an hour while I sat there and waited. When we were leaving I went back in the house to get someone that was lagging behind. The idiot was on the phone and wouldn't leave. I waited 10 minutes trying to get to move it. When I got back to the car I was hit with a barrage of accusations. I was just tired, exhausted, sick of it. I was going through some serious grief at this time. I just said "sheesh...fu man..."

This was after getting screamed at and demeaned for 5 minutes without her taking a breath, after having made me wait for an hour while she sat in the bathroom mind you. Needless to say she exploded. I just got out of the car and walked away. I was sick of it. While trying to walk away she stopped by me and grabbed my arm, dug her claws so deep with this crazy look on her face it made me bleed. I walked to my car which was about 5 miles. She went off and partied. No apology. No nothing.

There were so many instances of this crazyness. It wore me down. I just wanted normalcy. Dependability. I became more and more frustrated. If I would lose my temper, I was all of the sudden the one causing a problem. I was a jerk. This became justification for her abuse, lying, cheating, and ultimately saying "I Tole u" (picture child like pouty voice) when I caught her lying and cheating. Suddenly we weren't in a relationship because she "Tole me". Can you imagine how sick this really is? It's just SICK.

I was caught in the trap of projective identification. A no win situation. We really are slaves to their delusions and whims. This is why a relationship with a BPD will never work. You are a slave to their whims. You can't love unconditionally. You have to constantly be on guard. This can barely be manageable if you use certain techniques, but IMO, this is only for people in marriages or where kids are involved. If you are not married, have no kids with a BPD. Run. Don't walk. Run. If you're engaged. Give the ring back.

Just One More Hoover Fix

The amazing high of these addictive relationships can truly be an adrenaline shot to your ego. When I was on the pedestal, it felt so good to be wanted, to feel loved for who I am. At least that's what I thought it was. Little did I know it was an illusion. A false dream. I was being manipulated by a cunning actress. The mask was firmly in place. She just couldn't keep it on consistently. Such a shame.

It was the wonderful times, which I now realize were very few and far between, that kept me going back for more punishment. The promises of "It will be different this time." or "It was the drugs. I've changed. I'm not on drugs anymore." kept me giving her just one more chance. That incredible high of feeling loved. I realize now it had nothing to do with her. It was a yearning I've had since childhood, from growing up in a combative household. Of never feeling loved by my father. Her fake persona filled a void inside of me. I allowed myself to be easiliy manipulated, because I was chasing a high.

I was willing to put up with an incredible amount of abuse and betrayal to attain this high. It was a vicious cycle. I was trauma bonded to the BPD. I had PTSD. I wasn't taking care of myself physically. Felt lonely, worthless. Easy pickings for a manipulative BPD like my ex. The more power you give a BPD, like love and trust, the more vulnerable you become. Real mature adult relationships aren't like this. BPDs exploit those needs in us. They abuse that trust. They stomp on the love and then set it on fire. It's amazing they have the gall to try and worm their way back into our lives after such heavy betrayals, but they do.

My ex just shut it out. To her, it didn't happen, and she believed that. Truly. She had to make up the most outrageous lies to justify her behavior. It truly was...well...insane. I was being gaslighted. She was using projection and projective identification to transfer all of her guilt onto me. I was very weak emotionally, so it worked. I can't count how many nights I'd lay awake, still in shock, with this throbbing pain gnawing at my gut, going over every nuance of those conversations (When I caught her cheating), thinking I should have said this, or said that. Or if maybe I had acted differently, this would have not happened. My mind was working in overdrive, maticulously replaying instance in my head. It drove me nuts.

The truth is, it would have happened regardless. That's the ultimate truth. She cannot control herself or her impulsive behaviors.

We all heal at our own pace. After going through several hoover episodes, it has finally sunk in with me. I finally "get it". Acceptance. It's not easy. You want to think that the person you love is in there somewhere, but the hardest thing to realize and understand is that the person I loved was never real. She never existed. I was just an object fulfilling a need at a specific time. It wasn't about love. I honestly feel like a discarded teddy bear. Once a favorite toy, now cast aside with the other junk in the toybox. It's really sad when you think about it.

The "Why" Matters

A good question and my response to a thread at BPDFamily

The "Why" matters

The problem is you think you're going to get it from the BPD. That will never happen. They are seriously mentally ill.

The "Why" is that they are afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. In my ex's case, also NPD/APD.

If you try to get a "why" you will be gaslighted. They will use projective identification to dance around it. They will blame you. They will never blame themselves or take responsibility. Keep in mind, they have the emotional maturity of a child. They use emotional reasoning to deal with any situation, and that includes ripping your heart out and stomping on it. Then pouring gasoline on it and lighting it on fire. It's the brutal reality of the disease. They do not have the emotional maturity to handle adult intimate situations, or to truly understand the implications of their actions. They just are not wired that way.

You have to find and accept the answers on your own. I still struggle with this, but it's a process. I really wish I had gone into therapy, but I couldn't afford it. Got laid off, ect. I wouldn't had spent a year with these troubled thoughts and these haunted memories. I wouldn't have walked around like a zombie, dull and lifeless to the world. The betrayal triggered some intense feelings from my childhood. Extremely traumatic issues that I still struggle. The person responsible for those childhood issues dying at exactly the same time I was being betrayed by the BPD didn't help either. It was a tsunami of torment.

After my last interaction with her, I realize she's just "not there". She's scared. Alone. A child pretending to be an adult. Oh I'm sure she has a few guys on the side, (she always does) but it doesn't mean anything. It will never last. If it does, it won't be a grounded adult love with mutual trust and respect. It will be a roller coaster ride where the non is chasing an ever shifting goal post of expectations. When she doesn't feel like playing the game anymore, she'll just move on. No regard for the non in any way. Doesn't matter if the relationship has been years. At any time. For any reason. She'll pick the ball up and leave.

You can't live your life like that. Degenerate gamblers aren't even that stupid. The odds are too stacked against you.

More Contact Will Only Lead To More Abuse

So after the recent setback of having limited contact with psycho ex, I had to contact Verizon and have her blocked from my phone. I blocked her from MySpace. Blocked any possible way she can contact me. Yes, she can call me from a different number, but I doubt she will (Thankfully) and if I do see a number I'm not familiar with, I'll just screen all calls and VMs.

As a co-dependent, it seems like I keep learning the same harsh lesson over and over. My own subconscious responses keep me from learning from my mistakes. I have to be easy on myself. I'm just replaying the same abusive patterns I learned as a child. A very young child who had an abusive BPD father. I realize now I've lived my life shell shocked. Shell shocked from my childhood, which I now realize was abnormal, extremely violent and abusive.

After more than 2 years of dealing with pain, confusion, heartache, and over romanticizing an abusive bpd/npd, I have to fight my emotional rescuing impulses. She's ill. Seriously and severely mentally ill. Emotionally stunted. She needs therapy and treatment, but that is none of my concern and none of my business. I can inform her that she hurt me and the reasons why (suspected npd/bpd), but that's about it. It's her life and it's up to her to find the answers and the help she needs. I need to worry about my own life. Not hers.

I used to dream that she'd magically snap out of it. I didn't understand or grasp BPD. I didn't know about co-morbidity (Narcissism/Antisocial PD). I didn't know about splitting, projection, projective identification, devaluing, disassociation, ect. The Dance of Death. I didn't grasp the true nature of co-dependency and my own role. I had the power the entire time to end the situation. I had the power the entire time to say "No. This situation is unacceptable." Walk away.

I didn't do that though. I thought I was doing the noble thing. Being understanding, compassionate. Those ARE noble traits, but not at the sacrifice of myself, or my self respect. I confused stupidity with compassion. It cost me two good years of my life. An ocean of feelings, love, heartache, sense of loss and betrayal. My dignity. My self esteem. My sense of worth. It made me question my very existence. I was very near insanity from trying to make sense of the situation. I've had BPD "fleas" for more than a year now. It gets better with time, but that's what I need. Time to heal. Time to grow. I thank God I have such a wonderful, genuine, kind, and understanding mother. Mom, I love you more than you'll ever know.

The hardest part is letting go of the pain. The emotional bombs hurled my way. The absolutely terrible things she hurled my way. I've contemplated so many moments of hurt feelings, lies, and betrayal. She needed to dehumanize me. To minimize me as a person. To minimize our relationship to justify the betrayal and the lies. It's a defense mechanism she's been using her entire life. Learned I'm sure from a life of abuse. It's ok for me to care about her, but it's not ok for me to try and rescue her, or have any contact with her. She's too mentally disordered and dangerous in her current condition. Only years of therapy and treatment can help her control the impulses, but they never go away.

Right now she's firmly in denial. It doesn't matter how many relationships crumble because of her behavior, she will never admit she has a problem. It's unfortunate, but not my problem anymore. If only I had stayed away two years ago when the first red flags hit........

Live and Learn I suppose. Time will tell.

Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde

A recent post of mine at BPDFamily


I've thought about this for a long time

At one point I thought it was a death. That was a mistake. Our minds seem to create two people out of one person when it comes to our exes. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Too literally IMO. We forgive Jeckyl for the actions of Hyde. We grieve over the loss of Jeckyl because of the actions of Hyde.

In reality I feel like I was drawn in by Jeckyl, but Jeckyl is the one that isn't real. He's just a mask. Hyde is who they are unfortunately. That doesn't make Hyde evil or bad. They aren't. I don't think Hyde is a monster. He's just a scared little child afraid of the real world. He doesn't know to love like an adult, but he's trapped in the body of an adult. Think about that. How do you hate someone for being who they are? It's not her fault I got involved. It's my fault. I saw Hyde early on, but I wanted Jeckyl too much and was willing to sacrifice my self respect, principles, and basic decency for the illusion of Jeckyl.

Hyde ultimately soul raped me, running away lobbing emotional hand grenades on his way out the door. On his way out he minimized me as a person, minimized our relationship, made me think it was my fault, and said he never violated the relationship on top of that. It's my fault I believed it. It's my fault I allowed it to happen. It's my fault that I allowed myself to believe that person. In reality, through their actions, they minimize themselves as people. Not me. I allowed her to define me. That's where I was broken. That's what I needed to fix. It was a learned response from childhood from reacting to a violent BPD father.

I am nowhere near the end of the journey. In fact, I believe it's just beginning. I have scars now. Knowledge, and the tools I need to live a better life though. It's just doing the work and continuing the self evaluation.

5 Reasons Why My BPD Cheated (Yes Her Real Reasons)

So after my ex finally admitted she cheated, after months of gaslighting, projective identification, raging, lying, typical BPD behaviors, her justification for "everything" was the following. Keep in mind, she believes she's totally fine and that there is nothing wrong with her. Her definition of love is "Whatever you want it to be". How romantic.

1. I needed to grieve over the death of my father. I needed time alone. (Yes because we all know that when you go through a traumatic, personal event like a family death, the thing you need most is for your loved ones to abandon you)

2. I was demanding all her time and she had other stress in her life. ( Actually, by this time, I was lucky to see her once every few days. When I did see her, her degenerate friend would always show up and they'd get plastered. She would pretend I was barely there. Yes, I was really demanding of all her time, even though through this period I was showing tremendous restraint and patience.)

3. We suddenly were not together. ( After 2 years of being together, suddenly she needed to minimize me and the relationship to justify her behavior. Keep in mind this is someone who thinks they know what mature adult love is.)

4. It was drugs. (See above)

5. I was crying too much. (Again. Gaslighting. Yes I cried the day my father died. Who wouldn't? This is supposed to be the woman that loves me. She's supposed to be my emotional rock. One of the main avenues of support. You get the picture.)

There are a host of other reasons she's given. I'm firmly convinced that BPDs shut out the terrible things they do to their loved ones. They can't face it, so they minimize the event. They minimize the circumstances. They minimize the person to justify it. They will never take responsiblity for their actions. Not ever. Just like a 5 year old will never take responsibility for their actions. Emotional immaturity. BPDs are fundamentally stuck in the emotional state of a child. It's a terrible, terrible illness.

I have pity for Mai and I will always love her, but the type of love has changed. It feels like I'm a parent now. It isn't my responsibility to be her parent, and I definitely do not wish to be. The purpose of me even spilling my feelings online is to disengage. I don't even know if anyone is reading this. I need to do it, but I digress....

I realize it's ok for me to love her, but understand she is very, very sick. That there is nothing I can do to help her. She will have to get help on her own, if ever. It's so very sad, but that is life.

I can't win. No Point in Playing the Game

The process of disengagement has been long and hard for me. The BPD continues to try and keep a pinky toe in my life. Stupidly, I took the bait. Fighting the rescuer has been really difficult. Recently, I failed.

So I get a random text by the BPD, all excited, that she is going to start school. Intrigued, I try to get more information from her. I learn that the school is called AIU. A quick google search reveals that AIU is a scam. One of those "get your degree in 2 years" and pay 50K to do it. Online schooling where you do all the work, and they collect the money by providing limited resources that can be found online for free.

AIUTruth Website

She's excited. She's changing her life. The endorphins are pumping as she pays them 50 bucks to start an application for a government grant/loan. She never bothered to do any research on this school. None. She was ready to sign away 50K being sold by a marketing salesmen on a phony dream.

For the sake of her son, I had to let her know this was a scam. In typical fashion, she pretended she knew. Then that was deflected into if she had known how much it cost she wouldn't have gone. All of this was bullshit. She had to have known the costs and risks in order to submit an application for the loan. She told me was set to start November 9th. That means everything was set and they were just waiting for approval on the loan.

Now you would think that a rational adult would thank me for looking out for them. Thank me for doing the research and letting them know they were getting scammed before it was too late right?

Wrong. We're talking about BPD here.

The conversation turn bad when she raged at me. I understand why. She had to deflect her inner shame of being taken for a fool, so she lashed out and blamed me for it. Claimed I always talk down on her and make her feel stupid. In reality, she felt stupid for believing the people selling her a lie. I just happened to be the easy target. It's so maddening to deal with the projection and blame. You try and do a good thing for a family and you get blamed for it. You're the enemy. You're the bad guy. What's the point?

Nothing works

It doesn't matter how I treat her or act. It doesn't matter what I say. She's just broken. Period. I'm not equipped with the tools to fix her. I'm not an emotional mechanic. I just wanted a loving partner who respected me but instead I got someone inflicted with a terrible mental illness.

That's just life I guess